I don't know if I'm asking for advice or if I'm just pouring out my thoughts

It sounds like you are going through a lot that I can relate to. When I was 19, I was fired from the Macaroni Grill because my customers and coworkers complained that I looked "depressed all the time" and "were worried I was going to commit suicide". Stronger, older, more legally knowledgeable me knows that I could have sued her ass if I had refused to be fired on those grounds and she did it anyway. I signed the papers because I was beaten down and she took advantage of me (my manager). Maggiano's can SUCK IT.

I was doing very well at my most recent job in a call center helping people with foodstamps, but that became so depressing for me that I backslid. Coworkers started getting worried, management started getting worried. I told my supervisor that I have anxiety and depression and she acted like she never knew; she was very nice about it (unlike former boss who accused me and fired me) and she told me if there was anything the company could do to help accommodate any special needs I may have, they would do it. I told her honestly, sometimes I need extra breaks to go cry in the bathroom so that I don't do it in front of everyone. She said that is fine as long as it didn't detract from my work. I ultimately left that job, but on good terms.

I am also afraid to call a suicide hotline, and I do the same as you do when you get home, except that I binge drink. I've been going through a box of wine a week. I'm luckily not a mean drunk, because my friends and family say I am a happy one, though they are concerned about the amount I drink for health reasons.

What it sounds like you're really unhappy with is that you lack a sense of worth. Many of us grind at a job for 8 hours, come home, DECOMPRESS using whatever drug we prefer (including endless hours of Netflix or some video game), and then we wake up sick to our stomachs and go for another one.

It's not the life we were meant to live in my opinion.

I think that many of us young professionals are lacking things like hobbies and expertise-- things that we know a lot about and find community in. If you were an excellent tinkerer, you could help a neighbor salvage a perfectly good stereo instead of him or her having to buy a new one. Eventually, your name would get around town and you'd be "the fix it person". I am a musician, and though I often think I am a vain piece of shit for that too, it usually turns out that I inspire one person here or there and it makes it worth it to me. It keeps me away from netflix. It doesn't discourage the drinking, but it does give me less reasons I feel I need to drink.

Last of all, I am one of the worst when it comes to sharing my emotions with people. I am an Eraser-head. I only feel the balls to share things online, and I delete half of what I write out of fear that I'm a bad person telling everyone misinformations and bad advice. I also fear I'm burdening other people with my problems... especially my mentor from college... who I feel bad about writing whenever I write, esp if it contains something personal. I feel like that he probably doesn't want to hear from me anymore, and I'm being creepy to write.

Over my numerous breakdowns in front of others, most responded positively, though some did go around town telling everyone about my breakdown, which was humiliating. I'm still having major issues with this, and some days, I just feel why bother, everyone is better off without me. BUTTTTTTTT

You know what amazes me about all of those feelings of shame over my feelings? Nobody has EVER once told me "PM_me_your_mysteries", you are really bumming me out, please don't talk to me anymore. Hardly anyone has said something negative in response, and sometimes I get that 'tough love' response which is okay too. My point is that I think most of my anxiety over interactions I've had with others is completely unfounded and cooked up in my imagination.