So I took a few days to think about this so that I can really pinpoint my stresses. I don't exactly remember that I cry about the day after but I still feel the effects on me. Maybe it is because I have never said them out loud or told anyone.
As it turns out, there are really big reasons and they range down to very insignificant reasons.
The biggest one would be family issues with my dad. He is an alcoholic and if you don't know how that goes, he is the biggest asshole. He crushes my confidence and makes me feel relient on him since I cannot pay off my own school. He will make me feel like I owe him for every single thing and is in a good mood maybe twice a year when he comes home trashed.
The middle ground would be school. I can handle the stress of school although I can't balance it with a social life since I don't have one. I have friends I see at school, my bf, then that one friend I see every so often. I know I am outgoing and fun but maybe I need to put myself in better social situations to meet friends. I am caught needing a friend at times when I feel like everyone I know is just not there which I often do feel lonely.
My own company is nice but I can't stand being for too long.
Last and the least is probably a remark that my boyfriend made maybe two years ago. Every time I hear it faintly in my head I get crushed. My heart literally jumps a bit. He once was driving , telling mr about a place he used to work at. He then remembered helping a woman and said "you should have seen her, she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen I mean you should have seen her" . another time we were laying in bed after sex a few years ago and he said "you are one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen" then I said "prettiest?" He responded with "one of, I've seen many pretty girls".
Now I know how visual guys are but honestly, that hurts so bad until this day. It makes me feel doubtful about him until this day. He has given me a lot of compliments before but I just can't take them. The things he has said make me feel like he is just a friend and nothing more. It almost makes me sick to think of having a sexual relationship with him when I think about those things. I don't really feel ugly though,
I don't think I am but somehow I feel anguish, sad, lonely and I have a deep true feeling that I will always be lonely no matter what . I feel that love will always rot like it did for my mother and eventually me. I can't help but to think that dying would be so blissful and beautiful, more beautiful that anything so great that will eventually crumble to dust any way.