Did you get that referral for a CBT therapist? Because that sounds like a really, really good idea. You need more tools in your toolbox to deal with your depression and anxiety than Xanax, because Xanax is basically a big power saw that you're having trouble controlling and could very well do real harm to yourself with.

CBT can work really well, though you do have to have an open mind. I'm sure you know this, but it's all about identifying logical fallacies and inaccuracies in your thought patterns and amending them. For example, "Only Xanax works". This really means "Only Xanax gives me that Xanax feeling"....but that Xanax feeling isn't actually doing you any favors, is it? It's addictive. It's not a realistic way to expect to feel. What does "works" really mean? You basically are dialoguing with yourself and unpacking your negative thought processes that lead to emotional turmoil, and if you do the work and can confront your own thinking, it can be really, really useful.

I am prone to severe depression and anxiety like you. I can't take medication for it at all (or rather, I can't take SSRIs at all, and the other options come with too many side effects). CBT is invaluable for me. At this point, I don't even have to see anyone; once you understand the techniques, you can do them yourself. You learn to see episodes and negative thought spirals starting, because you're more clued in to your thinking, and then you can go in and address them before they start piling up.

TL;DR Do, do try and follow up about that CBT referral you mentioned. As one mom with mental health issues to another, it can be very helpful. I haven't had a debilitating depressive episode in about two and a half years. Have I been close? Sure, I've felt the riptide pulling me out to sea, but I was able to reach the shore before I was in too deep. CBT, 10/10, would journal again.