in your opinion- verbal abuse aside, is his "neglect"/lack of involvement/emotional presence a form of abuse? I feel that it is, but I've been told that I'm crazy so often that I don't know.
Heh, would you like to read that sentence again? Hint: if you've been told you're crazy so often that you don't even know, the rest doesn't matter, nor do the details. From where I'm sitting, you've answered your own question -- though inadvertently, and from a different direction.
Just for reference, my partner is a gamer -- and it is NOTHING like what you're describing. Why? Because I am valued, we are equals, and we both like what we have, which means that even though when I'm not there every spare minute is spent gaming, the chores still get done, we both participate in the relationship and have help whenever we need it, and there is no question whatsoever in regard to affection and intimacy. In short, I -- a human being -- and the relationship itself are mutually valued more than any fucking game. Where that esteem and love exist, there's nothing that cannot be worked out and resolved.
It's not about a game, or even really about an addiction. It's 100% about what your husband loves most, and everything else is rooted in that reality.
Keeping in mind that the average age of a Redditor is somewhere between 17 and 19, put what you heard from other gamers here in due perspective.
And why are you measuring the quality of your marriage by what other people tell you??? If YOU are unhappy with it, then it's NOT working, no matter what army of gamers comes out of the woodwork to tell you that it should be. They're not married to him, you are. They didn't bear his children, you did. They don't spend their lives maintaining his day to day existence, you do.
"They say it's not that bad..." Really? Is that going to be another lie you tell yourself so you can keep going down this destructive road? You don't have to leave -- so why lie to yourself about it? It IS that bad, at least that's what you've said repeatedly and at great length to me. So... which is it? That bad, or not that bad? I'm thinking it's far worse than what you've said here today, frankly.
But what I'd like you to see is that in reality you can't have it both ways. There are things you tell yourself to keep you functioning, and then there's the ugly truth of how it really is. You're the one suffering (and perpetuating that suffering) by willfully confusing the two, though I'm guessing at this point it's probably reflex and not even conscious. So cut it out. Start dealing in naked truth, as much as you can, because that is what will get you out. Not lying to yourself to make it more bearable on a daily basis.
Speaking of which, the car. What you just told me, by telling me it's in his name, is that you do not have a car of your own. Which means that if he's that petty and vindictive, when you leave you probably do not have a car at all. That's a big deal. You added, "I do not live in a pedestrian friendly area or one with a bus system nearby." Your situation is much more dire than you originally painted it to be, wouldn't you say?
Go find the shelter in your area, and call them. Today. Now.
You DON'T have to leave. In fact, you don't have to do a damn thing.
But if you want anything at all to change, you do have to start doing things differently, even if only by baby steps. Start now. Call the shelter.
FWIW, I apologize for my harshness, but I swore a long time ago I would never enable anyone to remain in abuse. It is NOT directed at your person or your character, and I hope that is obvious. But I cannot condone or leave unaddressed any sentiment that verbal abuse is somehow less harmful than physical. It is not. In fact, it is worse.
I'm going to stop here, because you need to contact these people, and you need to do it today, and if I continue to engage you here on Reddit, you're not getting the help you really need. So go now. Do it today. Sit down and talk with these people. They are what you have been looking for. Good luck.