This happened to me about 2 years or so ago, and I actually forgot about it until I read a TIFU about someone else's Tinder date.

I'll keep the unimportant details short.

Met a girl on Tinder, met her at Starbucks. As soon as I met her I should have known......I could smell the crazy, I could see it in her eyes. You can always tell by their eyes, they look the slightest bit larger and wider than the norm. They have the deer in headlights look, like a wild, calm but barely contained, animal trapped in a cage, ready to gnaw on your fucking face.

But holy shit was she hot. Big fake boobs, slammin body, and a decent enough personality, but my alarm bells are ringing like one of those people who collect money with the bell in front of the store, except this person would be on meth, ringing that bell like a rabid fucking monkey.

Anyway, on our second date we go to a place to get drinks, and she invites me back to her place.

When we get to my car she's a bit drunk, i'm sober as hell because I never drink and drive, and she says "Want to check out my tits?" Mind you were in the front part of a parking lot of a nice area with lots of shops and restaraunts, but it's late and kinda dark.....and i'm a guy so I say yes. so I look around, don't see anyone, and tell her to let em fly.

Her tits are gorgeous and perfect and she asks me if I want to feel them and I say no........LOL FUCK NO I didn't say no, I start feeling and sucking on those boobies right there, but after about 30 seconds i realize where we are and I stop.

So we're on our way back to her place and she proceeds to tell me that she's embarrassed cause she lives with her alcoholic brother and her son in a one bedroom apartment and it's kind of a mess.

More alarm bells, my alarm bells are going off so hard and loud in my head I have to read her lips just to make out what she's saying . My dick says to me, stop being a pussy, and get me some of what you're acting like.........guess who I listen to.

So we get to her apartment and I open the door and the place is a fucking disaster, and I mean a disaster. I'm tempted to ask her for a copy of her lease agreement cause I'm convinced she's squatting. Her place has shit everywhere, toys, clutter, some unidentifiable shit, and beer cans.........hundreds of beer cans.

I really wanted to leave at this point but my dick grew a pair of hands, grabbed my nuts and told me if i left he would squeeze them right the fuck off.......EFF YOU SEX DRIVE!!!!

So fast forward a few hours we end up in her dark as hell room and get into her bed, which is basically a box spring and mattress on the ground, and she tells me to be quiet cause her son is sleeping in the same room.

So my eyes adjust and not only is he sleeping in the same room, he's sleeping in a mattress on the ground, touching her bed.

OK time out.......WTF am I doing? Am I really going to nail this chick in this FEMA disaster apartment with her seven year old son in the bed right next to this one?

Remember my dick who grew hands? He squeezes my balls at that moment and says don't forget about me fucker, I will make you a eunuch!

Damnit, fine, so we start making out and clothes are coming off, and we're naked and her son decides to stir at that moment, so we freeze, and he proceeds to sit up and say in a barely awake voice, and please forgive me I hate this word, I never use it and I don't like typing it, but I have to for the story.

He sits up looks far off into dreamland and says "The Ni**", lays down and goes right back to sleep. The chick without missing a beat says "The Ni? What Ni***?" and before I can even process what just happened she starts giving me a blowjob.

At this point I have officially fallen down the rabbit hole, i'm at the table with the mad hatter, and whatever other fucked up characters were in Alice in Wonderland. I'm seriously waiting for Morpheus to hop out of the closet and ask me if I want the red pill or the blue pill.

It's best blowjob I've ever had. And I know, I just know i'm going to get an STD, but at this point my animal bran has taken over, and just grunts and gives in.

So I finish and i'm still hard and she wants to bone, but I have no condom and neither does she and I don't play around like that.

So she starts to fall asleep and it's two oclock in the morning in a shitty neighborhood, so I put my clothes on and I'm missing something very vital. My second wallet, which has extremely important shit in it.

I frantically search the room looking for this thing and I can't find it, I'm searching for like ten minutes trying not to wake up the kid and her, find my shit and GET OUT!

I can't find it, I'm panicking. I go out to the living room, step over her passed out drunk brother, and go to search my car. No luck. I go back to her place and look in her purse in case crazy took it. No luck.

Back to the car, search 10 minutes, NO FUCKING LUCK.

I go back up and try to wake her up and she won't wake up, I try harder, and she halfway wakes up and says "Leave me alone".

I'm like shit, she's going to scream if I wake her up then I'm going to get murdered by the gimp she surely must have tied up in her closet. I try one last thing, I gently roll her over and look between her and the wall, and lo and behold between the mattress and the wall is the thing I need, and I hightail it right the fuck out of there.

I ended up being so stressed out by thinking I lost that thing that I end up with strep throat the next day.

I still have guilt to this day about messing around next to the kid, but he never saw or heard anything, I hope.

TL:DR Went out on tinder date, did some shit i'm not proud of, stressed out, got strep throat.