I can't touch my toes and this guys balls deep in his own mouth..
I had a mate in high school who would bag out anybody for trying anything. So and so likes this kind of music, would get heavily bagged out by him. Other person started skating, bagged out, anybody who would be more than a vegetable would get bagged out.
The summer after highschool finished, some guy demolished a house and built four townhouses and we worked there doing odd labour jobs. On our lunch break he comes up to me very serious and asks me - do you want. I was like yeah man, like 5 times a day. He bagged me out for the rest of the week. The other mate also from highschool.also denied wanking. I laughed it off, and everytime I'd say who are you kidding bro, seriously, and they would deny the wank. Occasionally there would be a passionate bagging me and other people who celebrate a moment of self love (although those days, to be honest, it was just uncontrollable teen horn). This always reminds me of people who gather in groups and are scream anti-gay rhetoric (almost defs closet self haters)
Anyway give or take two weeks later, he says hey man can I tell you something but you can't tell anyone. I was like let me guess you do wank after all. Surprise surprise.. but then the floodgates opened.. apparently he was obsessed with oralling himself, and had been trying for ages on end, but alas the flexibility was not there. You can imagine me crying with absolute laughter, I literally cried. I'm 6'2" and was a bean pole back then, but he was easily 6'4" and a massive unit, big hairy obnoxious angry dude, and the mental image of his life long struggle still makes me cry with laughter.
My dude I know for a fact that there's at least one person on this planet who would give anything for your superpower. When you have the time, pour yourself a glass of your favorite, toast to this dude, and have at it!