Thanks for sharing your story, it takes balls to admit this, not to us, but to yourself. It's surprising how many people never face the truth about themselves all their life. Because you realized how much your life sucks, that also gives you power to shape where you want your future to go.
I have been always rebellious kid and wanted to do things my own way. But both of my parents were extremely manipulative and I let them dictate the way I should be. I did modeling and photography to make money (it's still creative, but it wasnt who i truly am). Then I married my soon to be exhusband, who was also very controlling. I was working for interior design company, which is my true passion, but something wasnt right. I couldnt figure it out. I burned out, had mental breakdown.
I ended up breaking up with my husband (the only person that i thought i cant live without), let the design studio fire me to get some extra cash. And I was lost. Lost, but free at last. I ended up taking a serving job. Moving to diferent city, not being able to find design job. It was getting darker every day. So I decided ok, if I suffer, at least let myself do something I like. I worked in a bar as a barback and start working on my own fictional design project. And that was the breaking point. Sometimes I'd only work on it an hour a day, but that hour gave me so much happiness. By this time Im 29, living with a roommate, own 1 suitcase of things, have no friends, no savings. Than covid hit. So i started to work full time on my project, started to skateboard, read and write. It's been difficult, but also incredibly liberating, because I live in sync with my true self. I ditched most of my "friends" and even family, because they are all fucking toxic. I dont care, because the freedom to own my self feels so right.
I think doing something that is meaningful to you for an hour a day and ditching people who dont care about you as a person can really do wonders. You're in your 40s, which means you have say another 40 years to go wherever you want to go.
You say you were a dreamer, but to me it sounds like you still are. Maybe you just forgot who you really are and now the real you is knocking on the doors again. Please open the door.