I'd Roddy Piper the shit out of UFC 1. As soon as the bell rings, immediate nut shot. Just constant nut shots like I'm spamming the nut shot button.

You want to box, you Pearl Jam entrance music using action hero? Eye pokes everywhere. So many eye pokes that a child version of Rousimar Palhares has his jaw on the floor as the cast of NYPD Blue dusts my fingerprints off of your iris. As soon as he tries to grapple. Boom, welcome to my incredibly greased body that feels like trying to grab soap off of a state pen shower floor. I'd have so much grease on my body that the lighting fixtures would give me 2nd degree burns as I slide to the ring like Silver Surfer, comic book verson.

I'd be so hard to get a hold of that my opponent would think I'm Jimmy Hoffa's body.

Going for your stupid sumo palm strikes? Say goodbye to your knee caps as I dropkick them in like a SWAT member busting down a door, wooden frame still intact, unsuspecting drug dealer sprinting through the back door.

Want to over power me, DJ Jazzy Jeff? Look out for my newly cycled off slab of meat body with more holes in my ass than Interstellar has in it's plot. I'd lift you up like you're Simba in a VHS release of Lion King and slam you down like a pog on a schoolyard playground, chalk outline around your gi. I'd have so many drugs running through me that the CIA wouldn't know whether to open up an X-men branch or sell me to the Rolling Stones so they could snort me.

I'd last at least 3 minutes. No doubt in my mind.

Edit: You guuuuuuys.... I have no doubt that you're all reading this while in the middle of getting laid by models. If I could kiss you all without violating my restraining order I'd do it... and we'd all have each other's germs to share together.