TIL Raisa Gorbachev once told a British minister there were more than 300 ways to cook potatoes in the USSR. When he had doubts, she sent him a cookbook and a note: "My apologies for being somewhat inaccurate: in fact, there are five hundred, rather than three hundred, recipes to cook potatoes."

Right. I take it you weren't living in the Soviet Union in the 80s, so let me give you a brief sketch of the day to day life there.

Take your nearest grocery store, and remove all of its inventory except for one or two items in each category (bread, pasta, beef, chicken, cheese, milk, flour, eggs, potatoes, sweets -- I'm probably missing a few items, but that's 90% of the inventory). When I say beef, I don't really mean the sort of beef that you'd ever consider eating, but that's a minor detail. Flour has to be sifted for mealworm, milk has to be boiled.

So, now replace the cashiers with people who hate your guts, and you have your typical grocery store in Russia in the mid-80s. Ok, doesn't sound so bad. Now imagine that store, with the empty shelves and the blue chicken in freezers, and there's a line in front of it that stretches about two city blocks. The people in line don't seem to mind being there. The ones up front look downright happy.

You've never experienced a toilet paper shortage, so let me explain. You see, the shortage is permanent, so you normally use cut up newspaper (be careful to not end up with a piece with a huge photo of Brezhnev, Andropov or Chernenko -- not exactly a criminal offense or anything, but better safe than sorry), but today, you somehow found out that a store about ten miles away got a shipment, and they're "giving away" (euphemism for selling) four rolls per person. Now, there's no guarantee that they'll have any left after you've stood in line for an hour (ever stand in line for an hour?), but that's a risk you're more than willing to take.

You get your four rolls and take the bus home (you didn't seriously think you had a car, did you?). Your home is an apartment that you waited three years to get (oh, you didn't know about housing waiting lists either, I take it). You've never seen a washing machine, a dishwasher, or a microwave, and neither has anyone you know, anyone they know, and anyone that those people know.

You've been abroad once: to Yugoslavia. There, you bought 20 packages of pantyhose for your wife, sister and mother-in-law and wrapped them around your body under your clothes to get it through customs. You didn't think a country that has toilet paper shortages has stores that sell pantyhose, do you? Wait, you did, didn't you? That's so cute.

The reason you've been to Yugoslavia is that it's a Soviet Bloc country, so it's one of the few countries abroad that normal people can hope to ever be allowed to travel to (you didn't think you can just up and go someplace, did you?). The reason you were allowed to go there is that you were a presenter at a research conference. A colleague of yours was more qualified, but had made the mistake of being born Jewish, so you were sent as a safer alternative.

But no, you're right, it wasn't so bad.

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