I think this is key, and because of the comorbidity with Anxiety that accompanies most ADHD'ers, we usually start talking shit to ourselves when we realize we're having a bad day; getting thoughts like 'here we go again, fuck this'....'I'm an idiot, everyone else is better than me and thinks I'm stupid'.
This week I had a sort of cathartic moment that gave me insight into this and hopefully it will help you. I constantly have the feeling of being a fuck up, like a lot of you. I graduated last semester in a field I hated, almost failed my way out of college, took 6 years, and got diagnosed 5 years in. Not only that, my social life and personality had been destroyed along with my self-esteem. I want to go to grad school in something entirely different but my grades suck ass. I went back to school for the semester to take some pre-reqs and improve my gpa, thinking that medication and therapy would help achieve what I want to achieve.
I had an Orgo exam this week, and on the day of the exam I felt like I had started off the day terribly and 6 hours before the game I was having a minor depressive episode....started tearing up on my walk to class. I felt like I was going to blow an exam I had studied my ass off for. All I was hearing from my inner voice was what a loser I am. Hours before the exam, I left the library and went home to cry.
Man, I had never been much of a crier but this disease has completely transformed me over the years, and I feel like crying whenever I feel like shit is going wrong. I had to do something, so I sat at my desk and I just started talking to myself outloud to drown out my thought, like the way a therapist would talk to me. I tried to use an objective voice, not trying to catastrophic everything but not sugar coat anything. Deep down, I knew that I had deserved an A, I had worked really hard for it. I told myself that whatever grade I get, I'll have to accept it because that will just be the reality of the situation. But if I look back over the last couple of weeks, I've put in the work to get something decent out of this exam, and what I was doing to myself was just taking me out of the game from the get go. Instead of even getting a C, I might just get an F whereas some other kid who didn't study at all would have enough self-esteem to not fuck himself over. And what if I fail? Am I going to kill myself because I've got so much riding on this? I told myself just say fuck it and ride my instincts. I went to the exam and I made sure I didn't panic, I went in with mindset that even if there's 5 minutes on the clock and I've done, like, 5% of the exam, I'm not going to rush shit.
During the exam, I just started talking to myself in my head. But instaed of thoughts of failure, I was just thinking about the exam walking myself throught each problem step by step. This was partly helped due to the medication because my inner voice was really clear whearas without it my thoughts are just blurred.
I got the first A of my collegiate career. I have no idea if it was just a fluke occurance and I will never again be able to calm myself like that but for once not only was I prepared, I didn't take myself out of the game.