Reddit does not agree with me. Just being a WS gets everything picked apart- even holding other WS's accountable! A BS can say literally the same thing, it's received well. I say it and I am selfish.
I had to tell the oldest, who was 16. I had to tell her I betrayed my marriage vows, and I had an emotional affair. We were still living in a hotel, 5 people in 2 rooms. He wanted to change rooms, got really drunk, was shouting and trying to kick me out(all understandable). There was no way to hide it, and he was the innocent party. I made it, and continue to make it, very clear that I did wrong, it was 100% my fault, he deserves support and space to heal.
Today, I do the same. My fault, he needs love and support, be angry and judgemental to me. Not him. Over time, she sees me change, me do things differently while he gets more and more bitter. She sees me committed to recovery, and he got fired for being too toxic, refusing to do the homework assignments because he is the injured party and he shouldn't have to do anything.
Fair enough, it isn't fair that his reality was taken away through no fault of his own. It isn't fair that everything he trusted, thought to be true, is now questioned, and a lie. It really isn't at all fair that he has to do anything. Just like it wouldn't be fair if I shot him, and he had to have surgeries, learn to walk again. Not fair, worthy of anger. But... He still needs the surgery, if he wants to walk again the shooter can't do the physical therapy for him. I wish it worked that way, it doesn't. At this point our child is the one talking about how what I did was not that bad(I correct her), it was not a "real" affair (I correct her). I don't talk about it, beyond taking responsibility when he has a rough cycle and he yells so they hear.
The latest incident now has the neighbors asking if I am okay. I had to tell them what I did, so he doesn't look like a lunatic. I get to be the adulterous whore to our new neighbors. Funny how happy I was that they spoke English at first.
Yes, I have trauma. Different source, but it's there and it's real. Emotional abuse isn't excused by infidelity. Infidelity is not excused by emotional abuse. It's traumatic to read people encouraging, justifying abusive behaviors, and be torn apart when you speak up against it.
Please point me in the direction of an affair recovery source, therapist, who advocates that checking, accusations, controlling behaviors should be used long-term. If I am wrong, I will happily acknowledge it and adjust so I can do better. Every source I have found, outside of betrayed spouse blogs and message boards, say it builds trust and safety at first, but becomes a barrier to real trust and intimacy, a crutch, a false sense of security.