“Folks, I’m not worried about the coronavirus one bit. I trust in Jesus Christ. And Jesus only lets gay, queer, homo fags get the COVID. And pedophiles, and criminals, and Democrats, and Catholics, and Unitarians, and Lutherans, and atheists, and agnostics, and Muslims, and girls who show too much cleavage, and squirrels, and the Chinese. I will never get it. Because I am none of those. You see, Jesus comes to me in my dreams, and He tells me who is getting into Heaven and who isn’t. And I am definitely going. Jesus said I don’t even have to wait in line at the Pearly Gates because I am the straightest person to ever live. I’m a heterosexual VIP. Jesus said that. You know, I’m 100% straight. Maybe even 110%. Look at these skinny jeans I’m wearing, and these colorful boots. Gay people don’t dress so American as I dress. And all these sequins on my denim jacket are because it blinds Satan. They’re very shiny, aren’t they? When I’m walking around, it’s like I’m invisible to Satan, so he can’t touch me with his slender, well-manicured gay fingers of flaming homosexuality he just wishes he could slip into my anus and make me climax by rubbing my male G-spot and then using cucumbers and other phallic-shaped vegetables. But that would never happen. I’m too Godly, too pure of faith. My heart burns for Jesus of Nazareth. And only Him. You see, because I’m so straight, my heart doesn’t burn for throbbing 10-inch penises on plumbers who come over to fix my kitchen sink, and lean over so that their tool belt makes their pants slip down and their butt cracks show a couple quarter-inches. And my heart doesn’t burn for shirtless cowboys throwing giant stacks of hay into the back of trucks single-handedly with sweat glistening on their swollen biceps and washboard abs. My heart will never burn for big, bearish firefighters rescuing me from a burning building and holding me in their massive arms to safety where they’ll set me down inside an ambulance, throw one of those ripped arms over my shoulder to rub my back up and down and warm me up, and then give me their phone number and ask them to call them for coffee sometime next week. Not in a million years. My heart only burns for Jesus Christ. And because I’m not gay, Jesus will never let me get COVID. And he won’t let any of you get COVID either, unless you’re secretly homo. In which case, my house is always open at night after 8pm to come over and talk to me about it. It will be just the two of us, so you don’t have to worry about a thing. We will pray very, very passionately, and figure things out about our sexuality together. Just gay men, though. No lesbians. Lesbians are too disgusting and satanic for my Christian powers. I can’t do anything for lesbians. The idea of two vaginas together makes me want to vomit. I can’t even look at one vag. Nature never created anything so horrifying as a naked female human. So, sorry, lesbians, I can’t do anything to prevent you from going to Hell. But gay men, just ring my door bell. We’ll light some candles, pour some wine, and see where the night takes us. So if you’re closeted gay and worried about getting coronavirus cause of your gay-ness, I’m here for you. Because I’m 110% straight. Alright, everyone, I’m going to start licking now, so get out your Bibles and turn to Psalm 119 and read aloud from there with your neighbors until I get to your palms, at which point you can head out to the lobby and enjoy our complimentary refreshments.”