Sammy, I’m sorry if you’re reading this. Means I’m a goner. Means I’m gonna miss your engagement party and your wedding. We won’t get to be old men drinking beer on your porch, Jess yelling at us and then coming out to join in. I won’t get to meet your kids and I won’t be around to teach them how to rebuild an engine or kick ass. You’re hopeless on the first one, but I know I can trust you on the second.
God, Sammy, but I am fucking proud of you.
You had it rough. You had it really rough. Don’t think I never knew. Dad didn’t make it easy and I know I didn’t make it easy either. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, you know, leaving you? And despite all that, despite Dad and my fuckups, you’ve become someone amazing. Couldn’t be prouder. Wish I could see you take charge and become the leader, the fighter, you’re gonna be. Guess I’ll have to imagine it.
I think the hard part is that you probably aren’t going to be that surprised. I know you think I’ve got a death wish, but I don’t. I really don’t (tell Jo that too). I joined up to support you, Sam, but I joined NSW for me. So you don’t get to feel guilty. It had nothing to do with you. You’re my baby brother, my only brother, but my guys are another kind of brother. And I like the think that if our places were swapped, you wouldn’t be able to leave them either. Gotta do my part. I mean it, Sam. You don’t get to feel guilty. I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing.
There’s a good chance you won’t ever know what happened. I’m sorry about that too. It’ll probably be a “training exercise.” But try not to worry about it. Just know that I did the best I could and that my guys did the best they could to keep me alive. The rest is just bad luck. Regardless of what happened, I promise I went out fighting.
Couple things you can do for me.
One. Please find Dad and tell him what happened. He’s an asshole, but he’s deserves to know what happened to his kid. Sorry. I have a buddy in the FBI who checks up on him now and again. Turns out he’s sober now, living somewhere in PA, if that means anything to you.
Two. Keep in touch with Jo and Ellen. Give my first Bronze Star to Ellen. She’ll know why.
Three. You’re gonna get some phone calls and visits from some of my buddies. Sorry about that. They’re dicks. But you’re part of the NSW family, and you will be forever, even with me gone. They’ll check in on you. You need anything, ever, just let them know. They will do it, no questions.
Four. I know it’s far from Cali, but I’ve got a lot of friends in Arlington National Cemetery. Not a bad place to RIP. When you come see me, say hi to Philly. Jo can give you his plot information.
Five. I’ve got a will and life insurance. It’s all coming to you and Jess. Don’t just put it down for a house, all right? Take a honeymoon on me. Somewhere really sexy.
Love you Sam. Wish I could stick around.
Jess, thanks for taking care of him.
Dean
P.S. Don’t look at my “old stuff” folder on my PC, it’s porn. Or do look at it, whatever you want.