I know, but I am always down, I hate myself. Where did I say that I aim for materialism?
Those were just examples of things that people do in life. What I’m saying is I don’t get enjoyment out of anything and I don’t see the point in anything at all, including those things. I could have listed other things. But to have those things you have to go to college, and I don’t care about those things, therefore I don’t care about college, that’s my point. I don’t care about anything, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to accomplish anything, it never feels fulfilling. That’s my point.
I am frustrated about what my true passion is because I fucking hate what Im doing right now and want to drop out and I don’t see the point in anything I’m doing. So, if I WERE to find what my passion was I’d be able to do it, I would be driven and excited. If I don’t find a passion, then I don’t fucking care, I half-ass everything. I haven’t found anything in college to be enjoyable, I am not interested in any of the work required to get any of the majors. I don’t want to do anything in life. I don’t want to work, I can’t do it, working is too hard. Life is too hard for me, I am unfit for this world, my brain hurts whenever I do any kind of work. I am giving up, that’s my point. It’s too hard, it hurts and I don’t see the point in torturing myself for any longer, all for what?
I can’t read, reading hurts my brain and always has (as a kid I would throw fits and cry when I had to read, I am a broken human being, I can’t physically read my brain won’t let me concentrate, I’m too worried about other things, I don’t get captivated into things). I have tried exercise, it didn’t help, it was too hard, I wasn’t consistent with it, I did it, it would hurt, then I’d go back to being just as depressed as before, so I don’t see the point in that if it does absolutely nothing. I already spend time with my parents all the time, I drive home every weekend and have long talks with them. Why should I do my best and make good use of my time when I don’t wan’t to do anything and have no passions and no goals? Sure, if I had a goal or if I wanted to complete college to get a job and live a happy life, of course I would want to do my best and make good use of my time, but I don’t feel any enjoyment in life. I am under constant stress and anxiety and I hate myself, why should I torture myself through any work in life? I have always been a beta male, I am constantly tortured by people being better than me. Everything I do, I am terrible at. I don’t want to try anymore, I don’t fucking care, nothing fulfills me, every form of work is torture.
That’s easier said than done. My brain controls me, I have tried over and over and over and over to better and to appreciate the small things and to stop being so stressed and anxious, but I can’t. There is probably something wrong with my brain. What your telling me is like telling me to fit into small tunnel the size of a rat, but I am huge and can’t fit, I’d like to fit, but my brain doesn’t let me, and people like you are like “you’re being stupid! You need to appreciate the small things in life! You don’t see things the right way! Of course you can fit yourself into that hole! Look, just fold your big fat slabs of meat and just grind yourself into that hole! It will be ok! WHY CAN’T YOU DO? YOU’RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH!!! YOU’RE FUCKING WORTHLESS! GOD, YOU’RE SO LAZY! Alright do whatever you want, you fat fuck.”
WHY TELL ME WHY!? GIVE ME REASONS FOR WHY!? WHY IS LIFE WORTH ANYTHING!? I DON’T FEEL ENJOYMENT IN ANYTHING I DON’T FEEL ANYTHING IN ANYTHING!
I DON’T WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE WHERE DID I SAY THAT
I am grateful but I can’t do anything and don’t want to do anything which makes me feel more guilty and more depressed, if I wasn’t grateful then I wouldn’t be depressed because I wouldn’t feel bad about myself!