Topamax & Aphantasia

Your story is almost identical to mine.

In 2011 I started Topamax for different neurological condition and experienced the same things you have since then.

I found some girl who posted something in a migraine forum back in 2012 but didn't find it since to prove to my neurologist that I wasn't the only one. I even thought someone deleted the thread post so people won't fear this awful drug.

she wrote: " I can't remember the past and can't visualize the future"

those words were literally taken out of my mouth.

9 years have passed since that time and unfortunately my memory only declined along with my imagination which practically doesn't even exist now.

I found about the study of MX with his inability to see mental images by DR Adam zimmerman back in 2012 before he even came up with the term aphantasia.

I also tried everything you did except hypnosis.

Two weeks ago I was in a memory clinic and they didn't take me seriously saying that even If i have aphantasia, it should not cause a decline in cognitive function over time and of course suggested I'll see a shrink or psychologist. They didn't understand why I came to the clinic since my MRI is good and doesn't show anything related to alzhimers or dementia.

My theory is that our brains aren't wired differently like that of born aphantasiacs and since it tries to conjure an image in order to remember but fails, we than get stuck mid sentence while talking, forget details and the more time passes the more of our memories we lose which in turn makes it worse. When people recall things they remember them all over again but if you can't do that, the only logical conclusion is that you will forget it eventually including the building blocks that defines you and on what you built your entire knowledge though your life time.

That is the only explanation I can find why it only got worse during these past 9 years.

I'm sorry you in the same position, I wouldn't wish it for my worst enemy.

It's ridiculous how similar our feelings are.

I did neuropsychological evaluation few months ago, they literally wrote that I have an internal crysis and I keep comparing my self to my past self like it's two different people.

and altough my logic is good, my memory score was much lower than all the other aspects.

When I was 17 I did Psychodadkety Diagnosis in school.

In the results it was stated that I had a very good memory and excellent imagination and now people literally try to tell me it's an age thing although I'm only in my 30's . At the age of 24-25, everything was working as usual in terms of cognition, memory and vivid imagination. It changed right after I took my first topamax dosage. Overall I've taken it for less than 2 months but it seems it changed something in the way my brain works permanently.

Your post makes so much sense and brings some sort of peace after almost decade of searching for that ridiculous forum post just to prove something to all of these doctors although I wish there was a solution to that problem.

Lastly, English is not my native language but I wish it was the reason I express my self in such a bad way, i was much much better in the past. At least your writing is really clean and organized, that's already something to feel good about.

/r/Aphantasia Thread