I have been feeling incredibly down since September or so, more than ever. I always had a tendency to be sad, it's kind of my personality but it's gotten really out of hand now. I know I need to seek help but I an stubborn and I believe I already know whatever whoever is going to say to make things better or motivate me. I also believe this will "go away" or I'll find a way out myself. I do the bare minimum and I am semi proud of myself for doing that because it takes all I have ,which is: school, work, prayer and help around in the house a bit and try to stay in touch with friends. I'm tired all the time. Every day I think: this is the day I break down and can't go on. But then I push myself again through another day. There's also this thing I do that affects my mood, I listen to songs from way back. I've always been kind of nostalgic person but hearing those songs in while I feel down is like x 911818. It makes me even more sad and depressed. It pains me, I miss those times and I can't believe it's gone. I can't see it in a good or positive way like "that was then and I have still a lot of beautiful life moments ahead of me". I feel a lot of distance to the Deen as well, I want to get closer to Allah swt but everything seems SO difficult. Summary would be: I can't. Honest to god I have no idea how I manage to seem "normal" and do normal things while caring about literally nothing and being dead inside.

Let's relate this stuff to marriage to make it kind of relevant: I don't look for potentials and if there is one I will avoid him. Why? I don't think marriage is the best thing for me right now. I can barely keep my own life together. Maybe I will be more open to marriage once I feel better but I have noticed I adopted a very individualistic mindset lately to the huge disappointment of my father . I think it's got to do with feeling more distance from the deen.