I'm glad I could help a little. Breaking the cycle is hard work. You need to be very honest with yourself for that: you need to accept certain truths about yourself that you might not like.
Things like that your subconscious sees abusive behaviour as a sign of this being real love or that they can trigger self-harming behavior in you. These are just examples that I realized about myself that I am still learning to overcome. Yours might be similar or completely different.
It is hard work and totally worth it. The energy you get from not having a narc constantly sucking it out of you, is actually pretty amazing.
Good luck! You can do this. Be patient with yourself. You deserve to be your own best friend.