mike proceeded to hug me and not say anything. i still asked if he wanted to go home and he said yeah but he cant leave me alone now so he will stay. dumb me was happy enough with that...
well, in short after that was that i stopped working there after that and did minijobs to still ahve money for myself around adn not having to ask my mother for any pocket money or get insulted in general(although she was really mad that i stopped working there and told me that women will get harrassed everywhere, especially if they are pretty and i should just suck it up because she had that in her youth too(she used to be a translator in a maledominated area before she met my father)).
mike always made arguments out of the blue since that year and he proceeded to break up with me only a month ago. i always tried getting back with him but he said he refused because he said i realized that i did treat him very poorly (i understand because of the situations where i pushed him and that one time where i acted like i would spit, which was really bad of me - but besides that, i gave him my everything all the time and even in arguments only did certain stuff because I wanted tomake up again(like saying we need to talk it out)) in arguments. I even started undressing during arguments just so we would sleep with each other so he is not mad at me anymore, which is like... really toxic, i know that. But he showed me that it has to be that way.
he actually told me in june that he stopped loving me and that he only cares about my wellbeing, but not as his partner. he saw that i was mentally unwell and i pleaded for him to stay with me in the hopes of him falling back inlove with me. we continued having s-x but not as frequent as in the past and sometimes during our meetups he would want to go home earlier and tell me that time with me feels wasted, which took a huge toll on my selfworth, which i lost during the relationship anyways. well, he broke up at the end of september actually. i still convinced him to sleep with me at the end(in the hopes of getting back together) but he still proceeded to break up and i took my stuff with me. he texted me the same weekend and said we should try again and i actually wanted to meet up the same day, but a couple days later he said we should stay broken up.
i think that destroyed me internally, completely.
also, i found out why he did the cheating in the past. and what he felt like during the relationship. he told me that in 2019 already but proceeded to tell me again at the end and even now: he felt less than me, he needed validation. he always said that i was the most beautiful girl he had been with in positive moments and I believed him, because he isnt someone who gives many compliment. He was also jealous of all the attention ig ot during the relationship versus him, he would always get mad when I told him about it. He would also think that i cheated in the past, although i feel literally sick at the though of it. my therapist and even my parents confirmed that this sounds pretty realistic by the way he acted and my friends told me that it was obvious... still, that is not ever an excuse to cheat.
When we broke up I actually met him one time again and told him that some people that were around us actually started hitting on me and I did not return the attraction because all I thought about is him (In the way of that im still loyal and not into anybody else) and he got real mad and told me: "So?? Nobody is hitting on me, are you happy???" - And only then I understood that he could misunderstand me.
and i forgot to mention that i lost a lot of weight due to the trauma, i mean before i had some kg more and i was at a healthy weight(had a lot of muscles too because i used to do sports) but now i am at the lower scale of bmi and relatively skinny... i always had bodyimage issues though and they sadly did not change after that. when i talked with mike about the weightloss in the beginning of 2021 he said that i should stay this exact way and not change a thing... so atleast that motivated me, too. and made me feel really loved and pretty.
i am in therapy since may of 2021 and i got actually rediagnosed, that i DO NOT have bpd. I am hypersensitive and have general trauma of my childhood.