The trauma that happened to you as a kid is not your fault, but as an adult it’s your responsibility to address it and develop of a plan to heal from it.

I agree with you for the most part. It is an individual’s responsibility to address and move through their trauma. But I also think it’s really important to recognize that trauma —and the healing process— do not have a timetable or a schedule. Honestly, sometimes people aren’t ready to address their trauma, or even to recognize it for what it is. You can’t force someone to change how they understand their experiences. You can’t push someone into or rush someone through their healing process.

Yes, set boundaries. That’s important on your part. But if you’ve been her sole support system, you can’t fully blame her for relying on you when you’ve contributed to that as well. Just as it’s her responsibility to eventually face her trauma, it’s your responsibility to set boundaries in place that keep you comfortable. I’ve been “the therapist friend” for way too many people, and while I used to feel frustrated with them for how dependent they were on me, I can now recognize that I was largely at fault for the stress it put on me because I should have set boundaries.

Also, everyone processes trauma differently at different speeds. I was assaulted by a somewhat-sexually-abusive friend when I was 14. I didn’t recognize the situation as an assault until I was 16. I wasn’t ready to confront it or even process it as what it was until I was 18. I’m 20 now, and despite having already done a lot of work to heal, I recognize the way that experience still shapes some of my actions, thought processes, etc. Trauma is complex.

My father is a narcissist and my mother is... well I don’t know what she is, it’s a whole mess of psychological issues there. But the point is, I could write a book on the number of ways my parents have fucked me over psychologically. Emotional manipulation, parentification, failing to recognize other forms of emotional abuse that I was subjected to outside of the home at a young age. I spent my teen years trying to understand the way my parents have impacted me, and even now, I’m still uncovering new things. Some areas, I know I’m just not ready to process yet. Some areas, I’ve processed and healed from. It’s complex.

Yes, you should set those boundaries with your friend and you should encourage her to seek professional help. But you can’t push her or force her to process and heal from her trauma. Accountability is important, but not everyone functions and thinks the same.

(Also, 3 years in therapy doesn’t mean you know exactly how others should go about their own healing process, and it doesn’t make you a professional when it comes to other people’s trauma. I hope I don’t sound rude, I just think it needs to be said. I have a friend who thinks that just because she’s been in therapy for 2 years, she can tell everyone exactly where they should be in terms of trauma unblocking, the recovery process, etc, and she’s beginning to lose a lot of friends because of how condescending and judgemental she’s become through doing this)

/r/TrueOffMyChest Thread