NC for 4 days and today I realized I was lonely. It was so quiet in my aparymeny. I barely used my voice and I was so aware of it. I've been alone like this a lot, but always felt my family was here even when they weren't and felt exhausted by it. I thought I knew what being lonely meant, but I've never experienced this.

Today I felt a space open up. I wanted to share my thoughts and laugh about things and look in someone's kind eyes without being on guard. That seemed possible. It's starting to not seem so crazy, already, that I'll soon be doing that. I feel truly lonely, deprived of love and touch and the basics everyone needs - and it's only now that I really realize: it's been this way for a long time. Of course I couldn't make room for it. That space was occupied by my family, toxic friends, the past. Bad things.

So I feel lonely, and it's a good feeling. A new one. I know it's because they're finally gone, my family's finally starting to fuck off and I'm so excited to fill that space with good stuff. I used to think I was scared of being lonely, I used to think NC with my mother would mean I'd be and incapable lonely mess. It's quite the opposite.