I'll keep it concise.
He has confided in me after coming to explain why he had disappeared in terms of contact the last 2 months, that he was seeing a girl who's begun isolating him and controlling him.
Backstory: He came to tell me that 20 years ago he was raped by an older girlfriend, and had an on and off relationship with her coming in and out of his life for almost 10 years. This resulted in him having problems with erectile dysfunction, from that incident until present day. Which has led to a complex in disappointing women. He's had a rough life, alcoholic parents, growing up in a broken home, getting into gangs, drugs, alcoholism himself. He turned it around after his dad died, and is a police officer now. He's never told anyone this, only me. In fact, he's my husbands best friend, we've just grown really close over the years, and he refuses to confide in my husband for fear of it "ruining their relationship." My husband is a hardcore feminist, he understands why our friend won't talk to him but wishes he would, and is at least glad he's told me.
Now he is with this girl, the first girl who he has been with that hasn't berated him and made him feel worthless for not being able to "perform how a man should." His words. He is able to have sex with her. But she is awful. She wouldn't let him see us when we went to visit for christmas. He can barely talk to me, his might as well-be sister in law, because I'm a girl. She's isolating him, controlling him, they fight constantly. His partner at work recently tried to kill himself. He works 80 hour weeks as an on duty cop (working in Germany, refugee crisis first-hand) and the rest of the time she has to be with him. Looking through his things, his phone. He's just addicted to these kinds of women, in the past they have all left him but I'm just not sure this one will.
I'm scared for him. I am trying to be there as best as I can and I know what being in a relationship like this is like, so part of me just wants to scream at him, no no no, this isn't happy, you aren't happy. But he can;t seem to let go.
He tells me, "I know this is bad, I know that I can't do this forever, but she fixes me, what if I can't be fixed by anyone else?" Words I have heard and read so many times! I have told him he should seek therapy, but he says, "she fixes my problems for free, why would I pay a doctor who will just give me pills to fix it for 200 euro an hour?" I have tried sharing that therapy has helped me immensely, and that it isn't like that, but he's not buying.
I'm at a loss, I am scared he is going to end up marrying this girl because he feel slike he is 35 and his time is up, and we are never going to see him again, and he is going to be miserable his entire life.