I kinda switched between these rapidly. I feel totally lost. Over the last 5 years I was the guy on the right for the middle three years. Now I just feel like I'm the worst aspects of both sides.
(Yes...I know this meme is a stereotype and exaggeration.)
I was earning barely enough money to live while keeping up appearances.
I then suddenly had a high end sales job selling valuable items ($1k - $50k), 7 days a week for months at a time. I got really good at it, being charming, organized and eventually full of confidence (wearing that chad mask). I worked hard, some days 13/15hrs+ (at least once a week, usually 2-3) with no weekends, no days off. I started the job because I needed the money (I had $100 to my name when I started it). I was efficient at closing sales and I feel guilty. The whole sales thing makes me not want to speak to another person again. My whole life and future, for those 3 years, rested on if I could sell myself and the product. Every hour was accounted for and calculated (because opportunity for good longer sleep was uncommon). I traveled non-stop. I maintained high performance for long stints of time, but I am now burned out. 1 year after leaving that career, still unemployed.
Emotionally I am spent and am not sure if I can be close to another person again. I spent my time sizing people up, mining information through interactions (with learning and practice) and then selling them the product, trying to extract as much as possible. The more they spent, the more me and my colleagues made. I feel like a bad person. Wasting so much effort and energy into trying to convince people to buy things. Even if my clients were happy (hugging me, thanking me, taking photos etc) I would feel like I duped them. If any of them saw me accidentally they'd probably remember me in a positive way (I was always behaved professionally), but they met that "perfect" vision of what I thought I needed to be. I never went out of my way to hurt anyone and generally followed the rules (sometimes to a fault, sometimes more loosely).
I did drastically improve my public speaking skills (lets say arbitrarily from a 1.5 to ~6.5), which is nice.
Even if I need the money I don't think I can go back, I don't think I can emotionally handle it knowing some of difficult moments I had to come through to keep at the job and not give up. The only way I could do it was by really ignoring my feelings, exhaustion and anxiety. When/if I work again I know I will have to function this way again, it's the only way I can get things done.
I now feel empty and haven't seen or spoken (not even text) to a friend or family member since April. I know I have to at some point in the future, but I really don't want to. I can't really see myself doing anything useful or to be proud of (as a career) … and this concerns me. Especially my selfish isolation. I can't really see what can motivate me into action. I don't want to be that person again. I am aware of my weaknesses and where I fall on the social hierarchy (the bottom) and just am tired of the social game we have to play to live and succeed. I found love in those 3 years and at the end she felt I lied to her (she met and loved the version of me that was focused and confident). I lied to myself too...I was unaware that I was playing someone else. In amongst the chaos of these last few years we got engaged and did everything together, but that's in ashes now.
Have any of you gone through drastic changes in your life? How did you reconcile your conflict and come to terms with your failures?