A true purpose of the recently erected statue in Warsaw, Poland

Oolong the Pig sits on the roof of Master Roshi’s house and considers all the ways he might kill himself. Drowning, self-detonation, falling, suicide by villain, proximity to Goku. Anxiety has ruined Oolong. He sweats for no reason, he has panic attacks and his heart beats so fast then he thinks he might be dying, he cannot quite get enough air, he lies down with his pink piggy ear to the cold hardwood floor and tries to calm himself down, tells himself he is a good pig, he did his best. And the earth was saved, even if all he did was throw scissors.

When Beerus came down from the sky and accused him of being of a kind with that round pink jello child they call Buu. And Beerus challenged him to a game of rock paper scissors. If Beerus won the earth would be destroyed. If Oolong won Goku would be given the chance to defend it. Rightly terrified, already sweating, Oolong walked onto the stage where Beerus kind of stood/floated and one two three and both of them threw Scissors. Again they both threw scissors. Oolong’s legs felt like rubber bands, he could no longer feel his toes. His scissor hand moved of its own accord as he played scissors a third time and Beerus threw rock and so the world was condemned. But it did not turn out that way, Goku fought Beerus to a stalemate, and now Oolong cannot quite find the courage to live through his days. He almost fucked it all up, he let the earth down. He goes outside and sees the harmless blue sky and all the familiar green trees and he visits the turtle sage now and then and together they moan over all the cute girls in this world and what they might be wearing. Oolong wishes desperately for a wish. He wishes to end his own life and when Shenron is summoned by Goku in the fulfillment of a promise to resurrect King Kai whom he had slain secondhand by instantly transmitting an exploding Cell, Oolong rushes to Goku and asks him if he can use one of the wishes but the wish is wasted on a flying quartersaiyan baby girl. Others arrive seeking their own wishes and Shenron can’t quite hold himself together this long and disappears before the last wish and the dragon balls zoom away in every direction and Oolong is despondent. He was so close to ending it, he hates himself, he spends hours in front of the mirror every day playing rock paper scissors with himself. He only throws scissors. There is no hope, he is just a pig. Master Roshi tries to cheer him up, hands him binoculars, says let’s go girl-watching. Oolong hands them back and says no thanks and master roshi drags him along anyways and he sits there halfway up a tree outside some girl’s house while master roshi, looking through the binoculars, makes old man noises.

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