I woke up scared this morning.
A while ago, I disconnected the CNN app from giving me news updates on my phone. It was cool at first, being so informed immediately. It’s the closest thing I could manage to living the life of the guy from Early Edition, the guy who gets tomorrow’s newspaper a day early. It felt like a low-level superpower. Like a spidey-sense for news.
As time drug on, I became less enchanted with it. Then numbed by it. Then saddened by it. It was like the CNN was a depressing friend who only texted me when they had horrible news. I had to get rid of it for the sake of my sanity. It felt like I was going off the grid.
Then, as you would expect, I felt out of the loop and had no idea what people were talking about anymore. This made me feel both alone and ignorant, which are two things I am loathe to be. I felt like how I imagine my grandmother must have used to feel at parties: “I like these people, but what are they talking about?” I felt like I couldn’t break in unless I had something to add, and most of the time they’d have to explain to me what they were talking about. This didn’t work for me, after some hemming and hawing, I got a different news app on my phone, and I check it from time to time.
Now as some of you may recall, I came out as transgender like a month before the election. I saw no reason to put it off. Hillary has this in the bag. I’m tired of hiding. My family knows. Let’s do this. Then 45 won. What a slap of cold water to the face with a punch in the gut as a chaser. Uh-oh. It’s like at some point last year I’d decided it would be a good idea to change all of my electronics over to Samsung. Seems like a safe, fun idea, but eventually it all blew up in my face. It was suddenly not as safe of a transition as I had thought it was going to be. Instead of an era of peace and tolerance being ushered in, we are getting, well, this.
I remember what it was like to have the privilege of a white male. News of this election would have bothered me, but deep down, I knew I had nothing to worry about. I could turn that off if I wanted to. If I got too upset or worried, I could just not think about it. That was the greatest part of that privilege, the freedom to not think about things that upset me if I didn’t want to. I no longer have that privilege. Every bit of news about what’s happening with this administration chills me to the bone in a powerful way I’ve never felt before. Inescapable. That’s what it feels like. Like every day the noose gets a little tighter, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Sure, there are protests and votes. But how fair are the votes if millions more people vote for a person and they still don’t win?
So, that brings me to this morning. 45 wanting to ban all transgender people from the military. This scares me to death. Not that I’d ever want to join the military myself, but the exclusion of us because we are different from the majority: that sets such a dangerous precedence. What’s the next thing it’s okay to ban us from? If there is no transgender representation in the military, then we become an “other” to them. Something lesser maybe. Something different and foreign for sure. They’d have no empathy for us if they do not know us. I grew up my entire life not ever knowing a transgender person. I didn’t meet one until after I came out. I didn’t know what they were like. If my mother was to be believed, they were perverts and drug addicts and people who had no one and died alone. I’d never heard anyone dispute that until I was wise enough to go looking for answers myself, but what if I hadn’t? Without representation and normalization, we will continue to be “others”. Someone that Christians think they have to fear or avoid.
I am a Christian. I grew up as one. I still am one. My relationship with God has been a rocky road, for sure (Isn’t everyone’s?). Is it hard to be in a religion where a lot of people who are also my religion reject the very idea of me? I’m just trying to be myself. I’m not forcing myself on anyone. I just want the right to exist equally.
Now, I am extremely against the idea of wearing crocs. (I’m looking at you, Mario Batali!!) I mean, sure they are comfortable, but AT WHAT COST, ya know? But, as strongly as I’m opposed to them, I would never stop someone from wearing them. Not my place. What you do with your feet is between you, your God, and you podiatrist. How about we all adopt my “Crocs Doctrine” when it comes to Transpeople and all of the LGBTAQ community. Just let people where their Crocs in peace!!
I’ve heard from a few people that this is simply a distraction from the health care fiasco. That doesn’t make it any less scary. I literally had a talk with my girlfriend today about what would the final straw be? What piece of news would scare me enough to make me seriously consider leaving the country? If it’s not transgender people banned from the military, what is it? What happens between this moment and the moment they decide to start rounding people up? That’ll never happen, I hear you think. That could never happen here. Not in America. Read up on your history. There are a WHOLE lot of people who said that in Germany and in Poland before WWII and the events leading up to it. It happened to Japanese-Americans IN THIS COUNTRY. We put them into internment camps on US soil for no reason other than that they were Japanese. Different. An other. I am not so foolish to believe that I am safe here.
So when do I leave? What amount of rights do they need to take away from me for me to know it’s time to GTFO? We talked about it for a long time this morning. We don’t know the answer to that question, but we made a decision to renew our passports ASAP just in case. I was also on track to get my name and gender changed legally, and now I’m scared to do that too. Do I really want to highlight myself to this government that seems hell-bent on bringing me low? I’m really not sure what to do except try to be brave and try to be prepared.
Is this overly paranoid? Maybe. Time will tell. I sincerely hope I’m being overly paranoid and all this worry is ultimately for nothing, but I CAN’T TURN IT OFF ANY MORE. And if you are a person who can turn it off, or know someone who regularly turns this off to not deal with it, please share this with them. Use empathy. Imagine if this news affected you or someone you love. You wouldn’t be able to turn it off. Everyone needs to be paying attention. We all need to work together to stop this tide of populism and borderline fascism, because transgender people may be the first group in the crosshairs, but history shows it will not stop here unless we all stop it together. Now.
So, can we all be sweet to each other for the rest of the week and just give each other hugs every day? This week/month/year have been scary enough. I just want to feel good vibes and kindness from everyone right now. I don’t want to fight or argue. I just want to feel not scared.
Hope you are all holding up okay. I’m doing my best.
Love to everyone,
-Natalie Nicole