Trying to save my relationship with NP.

I'm sorry, this sounds really hard on both of you.

I'm projecting and reading between some lines here, so tell me if I'm wrong....

It sounds like she isn't getting emotional needs met in the relationship either - she feels the burden of needing to meet your needs, and isn't getting joy from you being together.

On the one hand, knowing and expressing what you need is an important part of a relationship. But there is a different between asking for what you need to create a good relationship with someone (e.g. "if we don't talk regularly I don't feel close to you") and asking someone to make you okay and not have to deal with insecurity or discomfort (e.g. "I need you to come home right now because I'm jealous").

It sounds like she was previously doing more of the second thing, and maybe she feels that's what you're doing now? I.e. whether you are asking her to take responsibility for your sadness or not, she feels responsible and she feels your needs as a burden.

Here's an idea: Imagine the two of you are going to break up. Not because you necessarily are, but because it might help you separate what you want from your relationship from what you need to work on within yourself. What would make you able to survive that? What would make you a more fulfilled person even if it is deeply painful to lose her? Connect with other people, find things that make you happy, be active, meditate, write, whatever it is for you. Making those steps might both help you and help the relationship, since what you are then asking from your partner becomes more about the things you love in her and less about things you struggle with within yourself.

/r/polyamory Thread