It is a picturesque Thursday. Bright blue skies, a light breeze fluttering through the freshly blooming spring flowers. It is a day that looks as if it came to life from a movie or postcard. I emerge from my home to bask in the sweet smelling, sun-warmed air. My skin feels alive from the sun’s rays caress, shocked from feeling the sun for the first time in months. Birds chirp their adulant songs, looking for a mate or singing for the joy of it. I attempt to make the stifling office environment a distant memory; this is exactly what I’m looking for in a vacation, beautiful scenery with no cares in the world. Butterflies play in the flowers in the distant field, for once I am happy to live in a place so distant from modern civilization; I can’t hear traffic, sirens, or the stress of the masses. I am surrounded by nature.

I can’t hold back the tears any longer. Tears for hopes, dreams, and fears of what may come or what never will. There wasn’t one single point where my life took a turn for the worse. The decisions seemed logical and to make sense at the time: go to college, get a job. The missing aspect was life. Sure I have a stable income and live an uneventful life. Rarely, are there surprises at my home or in my white-collar office job. This is part of the problem. There is no spontaneity, no surprises to push me forward. My life (can it really be called a life if a moderately-well programmed robot could do the same actions just as well as I could?) provides the perfect environment to stagnate with no accomplishments that I am proud of. It is that perfect junction of too scared to change anything since it works (I have food, water, and shelter), but also the intense urge to destroy the whole system as I no longer have passion for living. 

As I feel the familiar paralyzation from the fear, anxiety, and depression, several butterflies fly to me and land in my hair. They land their delicate bodies and begin to walk on the strands of hair attempting to find something they smelled from afar. My hair is still damp from my earlier shower; they must be attracted by my floral Jasmine shampoo, it does smell convincingly real for a cocktail of man-made chemicals!

Although I know the butterflies are interested in my hair for the sole purpose of gaining nourishment and attracted by my shampoo’s aroma, I feel a sense of acceptance and love that I have never felt in my career. The butterflies could not care less about my sales figures, conversion rates, or reports written; in fact, they are not remotely aware of that aspect of my day. To them I am an attraction with an inherent worth, beauty, and purpose. I don’t have to take action to justify my mere existence on Earth. The grass caresses my body as I lay down willing it to swallow my worries and self-doubt. Some say nature is cruel and uncaring, if that is the case than I treat myself far worse than a tyrannical dictator for all I feel from the grass, sun, birds, bees, and plants is unconditional love and support. My life needs an overhaul, but that can wait until later. Right now for the first time in years, I feel all is well within me. I am at peace.