Let's see. Mid-May we're coming up to the 3rd year of my dad's suicide. I've been stuck in something like a major depression and numbing myself with mindless television and a self-exile in my house coming up to four months.

I can't talk this out with family because they're all working so fucking hard while I've checked out of life. I feel so bad about living off my savings instead of working to get more. Not a day goes by without wishing I wouldn't wake up?

I go out. I meet people. I network. I act normal. I run semi-important things for free. But I haven't been able to ask someone for help regarding this situation. I've seen the people I networked with get new jobs and - good for them, they've worked hard. But I've never been able to muster the energy to even say hi to people I like. "keeping the contact warm" as they say. it's never been about that, I just like learning new and interesting stuff.

The last job I had fucking gutted me in a way it was a total personality mismatch, nothing I did was right, I was coming home bone tired and couldn't focus on finding another job. And they were some really horrid people with some horrid stuff to say to me on the way out.

I've just spent the past 4 months in a fucking fugue, like I've been trying to fight my way out of a stupid paper bag. The last time I reached out for help, it became this fiasco where they just said I was lazy and unmotivated. Hard to be hard-working and motivated when you've just been treading water trying not to drown for twenty years there, bud. I can't even keep my time-line in check. I don't remember if I was happy as a kid. From the age of 8, it's just been this fight. Fight to get to schools, get great grades, then fighting to get passing grades with an ADHD that didn't improve with medication -

This fucking sucks.