This might sound like a stupid question, but can a relationship be considered "abusive" if it's entirely non-physical and infrequent?

When things are good, they are fantastic and when things are bad, it's because the victim did something "wrong" that caused it.

they are often pressed into accepting responsibility for the feelings and actions of the abuser

gaslighting, to make their victim doubt their memories

There comes a point where the victim believes they deserve the abuse, that it's really all their fault

So many of these things sounds exactly like my last relationship... but he is not outwardly like that. No one would ever know. I know that, aside from my very closest friends, no one would believe me. Especially because we were together for years. And to be honest, it wasn't like this all the time. But whenever things went wrong, this was the outcome. He also "joked" about me a lot (to my face), sort of subtly putting me down, for all sorts of things. I'm not looking for any reason to label that relationship, I just struggle to identify what I even experienced. I didn't even know it was bad until months after we broke up. I still look back and just think, "What the fuck was that?"