I know you've probably heard this a gazillion times before but seriously, just be yourself

I have indeed. Over on /r/ForeverAlone, it's a damn cliché. At any rate, it doesn't work.

don't try too hard

I have no idea what “too hard” is.

More importantly, I have no idea whether I'll be seen as creepy if I approach someone, and I don't feel like getting arrested because she thinks I'm sexually assaulting her by opening my mouth.

trying out a new hobby

And make myself look like an idiot in front of a whole bunch of people at once? I already live with crippling shame. I don't need more.

sports

Intense exertion triggers my depression. I don't know why, but that shuts me out of anything athletic.

the local pub

I don't drink. I'm on psychiatric medication that interacts badly with alcohol. My mental illnesses would probably also interact badly with alcohol.

So, what do I do now? I'm shut out of seemingly everything, for one reason or another.