Oh thank god.
Okay. So, I was trying to apply from within the UK (while I'm here the next month) to ease out the process, but if I'm applying from outside, I can use a non-resident business owner of good standing with a current passport? That solved that problem, then.
I've been playing board games every week the past three years with another UK citizen with a current passport. We looked it up and it sounded like I couldn't use her as my countersignatory.
As much as I was trying to do this while here (because the last time I was here, it sounded like that was the best option), it looks like what I'll have to do is wait until I return, then mail them everything, pay extra, and wait the 8 weeks or whatever. So long as it doesn't get lost in the post!
If I can figure it out while I'm here, sound. Otherwise, I guess that's a good plan B.