Unburden yourself here, what is destroying you right now?

It's not really destroying me, but the thing that is mostly on my mind is that I have had a crush on a girl since the moment I first saw her. At first, it was entirely infatuation of her looks, her personality was unclear but she wasn't a very good girl, although compared to her friend group, I think maybe she was best behaved.
I couldn't get her off my mind for the entire rest of the year, but then year 8 came around and a new girl moved to our class. She instantly befriended my crush and the rest of the friend group, but it looked like they were slowly distancing themselves from that group, or at least in class. I could see the new girl's good atitude to school and learning rub off on my crush and midway through the year, I heard her say that she was trying to be nicer.

During the months at the end of year 8, my crush had become quite a good girl (or that might have just been the perfect girl my brain made her out to be) and would sometimes ask how my day was going. Over that time, especially at the end of that year, I had realised that I didn't really mean that much to any of them except one, who is the only kid I have hung out with for my whole high school life so far. I had also distanced myself from my group of friends, but I'll never forget them.

Year 9 starts and I sit on the pavement outside my lockerbay, drawing landscapes that vary in types depending on my mood. I have a good talent at art and one time my crush was walking to the lockers near me and she asked if she could see my drawings. Of course, I showed her and she and her friends who were with her at the time said that I was really good at drawing. I liked that a lot and will probably never forget it, even though it was just a simple compliment.

My crush sits at a table that is near where I sit, though I can't see her because the wall I sit against blocks the view. She has to walk past me to get there and she did so for a while. Over time, she started acknowledging my presence and would frequently wave and say hello. I would return the greeting and then we'd just smile and she'd move on.

My school has been using MS Teams for at home learning during lockdowns from COVID-19 outbreaks and so a message from the wellbeing team at school popped up saying, "It's Random-Acts-Of-Kindness Day!". So, I texted my crush just saying she's cool and that it was that day. She replied and said "awww you too!" and I don't think I have had a bigger adrenaline rush in my life. the lockdown at the time lasted for only 3 days and then I was back at school, her waving to me when she walked by.

I messaged her about a week after the lockdown to ask if she would consider me a friend. She said yes and I said that I now had 2 friends. I started some conversations through texting with her, but she is incredibly bad at getting back to me within a few hours. I kept asking if she could chat, but when she would reply, I wasn't online or couldn't answer. Eventually, after not replying for 2 days, she messaged me to say that MS Teams wasn't working properly. I asked about going onto Skype or Discord and she downloaded Discord and friended me on there.

I have had a private DM with her for a few months now and it's so short I can scroll to the top and read all the messages in 15 minutes. It turns out her internet was not working well and sometimes completely cut out. It got to the point where she didn't reply for 4 days and I was starting to miss her. She wasn't really greeting me as much at school as she used to, as if the contact on Discord and irl was more than enough for her.

She barely ever acknowledges my existance apart from a few glancesat me during class. I texted her with a question of what her profile picture is of and she hasn't replied in nearly 2 months. I've been sending the occasional message every 10 days or so about whether her internet is feeling well or not, but no reply yet. I do think I know what has happened though, but I'm unsure of what caused it.

She set her status to offline even when she is online early on and has kept it that way ever since. I feel like she has set up the internet problem over time as a way of trickery for use now. She is up to date on homework whether online or offline and during lockdowns, she had no problem connecting to the online classes, or even putting on her mic and answering the teacher instead of using the chat function. I have figured out from remembering things her friends have asked her in the past, even back in year 8, and I have figured out that she has a boyfriend already, not to meantion that I'm fairly sure at least 2 other boys in my class have had crushes on her before.

I have come to conclude that she probably doesn't want us to be in contact anymore and has just ghosted me, making it look like she hasn't got internet when quite clearly she does, and has deleted discord. She could have just muted all notifications on it, but when I sent her an alternative Skype link on MS Teams around 2 or 3 months ago, she hasn't replied to it, or even acknowledged the message at all.

The thing about these feelings for her is that by definition, a crush is meant to be really intense, but very short-lived. For a while quite recently, it seemed as though my feelings were finally starting to subside and I could have a normal relationship with her, but suddenly now they are back with an intensity I haven't felt in months. And especially since I am quite introverted and don't feel comfortable talking to people I don't know, nor really want to either, I don't see any good reason to try getting back in touch with her. She is never alone at school, so I can't just talk to her privately and tell her I miss talking to her without her friends getting suspicious, not to meantion she is already taken, so I don't have any chance. Also, to avoid heartbreak and the soul crushing side-effects of dating, I have decided to stay single as long as possible until I find the right girl (or woman by the time that happens).

And now I'm putting the whole story on reddit of all places. I really wish that sometime a bit after school, maybe at a reunion or something if those happen here, I can just sit down with her and have a good chat about things like this topic, even though I know that will probably never happen. Unless, of course, she sees this post (if it isn't too long to upload as a comment).

/r/AskReddit Thread