2023: Gareth Bale, 33, his career’s twilight twinkling ever brighter, was reunited with lilywhite to the delight of Spurs faithful. Fresh off historic back-to-back treble campaigns that netted him the title of "Manager of the Decade", Man Utd boss Mauricio Pochettino lamented the loss of his aging captain, calling the move "sad but inevitable". After seeing 6 glory-filled years pass in Manchester, the 3-time Ballon’ d'Or winner said he looks forward to his 2nd stint at Spurs and had the utmost confidence in new co-bosses Jan Vertonghen & Billy Beane, despite their controversial plan to use him as holding midfield. Vertonghen also hit back against detractors who called Bale’s career over, confirming he has "no doubt whatsoever" in Bale’s ability to spark the team to mid-table security - that Beane’s “numbers said so.” The story surely couldn’t have a happier ending. After receiving news that a particularly bad bout of in-grown hairs had become gangrenous and would require amputation below his right knee, Bale maintained a strict “optimism-only” mindset and a tedious Sodium-infused Paleo Juice diet (copyright pending), which he credits him for his speedy recovery. Now only 3 months later, with his square-booted prosthetic fondly nicknamed “Pokey”, the forthcoming reunion seems the perfect way to wind down his storied career. Saying with a grin, “Poch always said ‘that is football: roll with what comes and you will always have a leg up”. But it will not be all daisies for the struggling Spurs, who've faced steep relegation battles since 2019, when Pochettino departed for Manchester and former glory-boy Harry Kane’s shock announcement he was joining the clergy. Despite the newfound hope their newest signing brings however, many of the North London faithful have met its news with severe derision, calling the move a “cheap ploy” meant to distract fans, pander to corporate partnerships, and sell tickets in the perennially-empty North London Chamber of Commerce Stadium. (Whose namesake recently caused a stir when they purchased all of Enfield Town’s corporate boxes.) However, this view lost most of its support when, upon hearing this claim, Spurs Chairman John Cena declared every Wednesday Gareth Bale Bobblehead Day.