That's sad that your plan to start transition before college failed and now you're loosing precious years of your youth.

why not just kill myself ?

Please, don't. The world would be a much sadder and uglier place without such a beautiful flower as you. And don't use this crypto-Nazi word "freak" towards yourself. You're not some defective underhuman, you're a good worthy person, you deserve a happy life. Transgender people have done a lot of worthy things for the benefit of society, and deserve decent treatment and life.

And the fact that you care about your parents, despite they force you to suffer gender dysphoria and use psychological manipulation on you, actually proves that you're a really good person.

or become a disgrace to them

Why? It's not 1940s when having an LGBT relative was a disgrace for a family. Bad looks from transphobic neighbors that your parents would experience is nothing in compare to suffering from gender dysphoria that you feel every day.