[UPDATE] 14 yo doing whatever she wants with her boyfriend, still true, but hopefully no more fighting

Can't believe you got a gold for that. I mean, the example is perfect, would be a top comment in an ELI5, but you (and many others) give absolutely no break for the poor mother.

First of all, we know very little about her father and how long has the mother basically raising her alone. We know she sees him every 2 weeks, which is hardly parenting, simply being in touch. I think it's a safe assumption that her relationship with her father is nowhere near as close as it is with her mother. She would've ran to him immediately, to begin with, giving her mother the ultimate disrespect. And if you'd say she did not do it, because her father would surely talk some sense into her, then the mother wouldn't be asking for help here, but instead just gave a call to her ex.

Now, my mother was bipolar and weak-willed. She's biggest luck with me was that I reacted really well to their open-minded parenting, and even though I loved to resist and fight, I hardly found anything to oppose in terms of regulations. Some of my classmates came to parties fed up, and so emotional that they got wasted after just a few drinks, because they had a fallout (again) with their parents that they are not allowed to go there, or be home at some ridiculously early hour. And there was me: my father said he doesn't like (short) drinks which are not see-through, because they make people vomit, and if I want to last long in the drinking game, I should only drink one kind of beverage. Pretty much everyone was envying me. There was a party coming up? Sure, I can go. It was a sleep over party? All right... Sure, my mother worried all the time, and sometimes tried to ask me to stay (which was weird, but part of her condition), but that's it. Now obviously, it doesn't work with everyone, and it's much easier to let go a boy than a girl, yes, no argument there. But I've seen the other parenting methods on my friends, and girl friends, and saw what effect did it have. In the end, it was all the same, just with more drama.

The reason I mentioned my mother, because whenever she tried to force me onto something, I could "finally" shine. I loved the thrill of going against the rules, and my personality has always been confrontation-seeking. Not obeying wasn't enough, it was boring. I had to go over the top. I can't do X? Then I do X times 10! Not because I particularly enjoyed doing X - on the contrary, I usually did not enjoy overdoing it at all, because I knew it was stupid -, but it made me feel proving my point and taste victory all the sweeter. It made me feel unstoppable. Only my father could control me, because I respected him for some reason, but during the final years before their divorce, I started to defy him as well, as I slowly realized what a shitty person he is.

And now I arrived to a conclusion, that respect in a parent-child relationship is almost everything. And you are saying she lost it. And I agree. Why am I writing a wall of text then with a premise of defending her? Because it's obvious the respect have been weakened long before this incident and we do not know, why. It's easy to throw everything at OP, and blame her, but none of you gave her a real solution. Stand on her foot? Easy to say; my mother couldn't have done anything to me if my father was not there. Trust me, she tried to be stricken up a lot of time but it was just not fitting her, it was obvious she was struggling with the situation. She was not firm, she COULD NOT been firm, it just wasn't her. She was a nice person with good intentions, but I never ever felt having more respect towards her when she went out of her way to play the strict parent.

I'm not a parent, so you guys obviously know better, but I do not see too many ways OP could have solved it with a better result. She gave up her ground, but ultimately got closer to her daughter. Now, I told you what an easy time I had in terms of restrictions, right? Even back then I would've traded it with a much more intimate relationship to at least one of my parent. I could do whatever I wanted (no, not hard drugs or other fuck up things), but I could never make myself to talk to them. Like seriously, OP's daugther bluntly asking OP about her first time is just blowing my mind, because that's how I always wanted my relationship with my parents. Instead I got a distant father, and an emotional wreck mother, towards whom I lost almost all my love (and ALL my trust) when her condition took the best of her. And those kids who came raging to partys and telling me how stupid their parents are? Those same kids could just walk up to them about their problems, or questions, while I had all those (unknown) emotions in me I just could not put my finger on, and was never comfortable enough to ask.

You know which kids were the most straight-forward? The ones with one parent only. Yes, they were always more problematic, but they loved their parent a lot, they were never ashamed to show it, and the relationship between them always seemed like best friends.

I would give OP a great and a compliment as well for making this hard decision. Maybe you lost in the respect department, but knowing your daughter is comfortable to talk with you about anything (which is so fucking important) should feel awesome, and maybe she will be always two steps ahead of her friends with the same age regarding curiosity/rebellion stage, if she trusts you, she will always let you know what is she up to. There are families where a mother and a father are both present, they try to establsih respect, but in the end, they just end up with a child who deceives them and keeps secrets from them, because he/she is too afraid that if they would know them, he/she would get some from that "respect", whether it be shouting, beating, regulations, or whatever futile way they try to assert their domination.

/r/Parenting Thread Parent