Update: Identity Fraud, N-mom and the huge shit bomb (SUCCESS!!!!)

CreditSesame.com - the best free credit tracking service, IMO. Also check out their app. There are others out there, but this one is safe, old (been using it for 8 years, now), comprehensive, full of helpful advice, and very very effective.


AMEN to keeping tabs on your credit score if you have an Nrent, and NOT just because of the possibility for fraud.

ALL ACoNS SHOULD BE REGULARLY MONITORING THEIR CREDIT IN SOME CAPACITY.

Even if you don't think your Ns are bad with money, or you don't think that they are the type to make fraudulent accounts, it's still extremely important for all ACoNs. And you want to start it IMMEDIATELY, as OP suggested. Seriously. Do not hesitate. Cancel your plans and do it now. If your home computer is not safe, you can do it on your phone (I list a good website/app below), or else go to a trusted friend's house. As long as they aren't torrenting porn daily, you are fine.

It should only take a few minutes to set up. If you are sitting at home, then you should have everything you need readily accessible, if not memorized. If it takes longer, than this is a huge red flag that you are missing basic financial (and, perhaps, legal) autonomy. If, say, you get stuck because you don't have access to personal government ID numbers - you should have your personal ID cards (Social security card, etc.) in your own hands, or directly accessible, and your number memorized, by age 20 at the latest - because documentation for anything and everything that you, personally, own should be in your hands and under your complete control by 18 at the absolute latest. You should at least know where they are, and be able to access them without much hassle, in teenhood. Healthy parents would be overjoyed if their teen showed interest in their own personal finances. Point is, if you get stymied - congratulations, you are now aware of some of the ways you are/were being controlled, and know what items you need to get a hold of or at least learn more about.

(Fun Story - my ex husband, an AC of a particularly Machiavellian NMom, didn't exist according to the US government until age 21, because his parents never got him a social security number. Yes, he was born in the US. He was blissfully ignorant of this his whole life, too, because his NMom handled everythjng. Absolutely everything. Didn't even get to pick his college by himself. Never got a driver's license (in an area where this is unusual). He had no clue that any of this was weird, either. Didn't even know what a social security number was, until his college contacted him directly about unpaid tuition).

Even once the credit monitoring account is set up, though, it still holds many benefits beyond just watching for fraudulent accounts. Many (especially the one I list above) give great explanations and advice about both credit and basic finances. It's extremely educational. Far more often than not, we ACoNs have issues with understanding money - even those of us who were made over-responsible.

Money is just such a potent and popular means of control by Ns, to the point where I would argue that it is all but ubiquitous amongst Nrents (though not always overt). What's tragically ironic is that money is also the most simple thing to regain control of (once you are of a decent age to open a bank account on your own, anyway). Most Nrents' control of money is purely psychological:

  • They will make money seem scary, complex, and/or impossible to control. It isn't. It REALLY isn't. If you are old enough to be surfing Reddit, then you are plenty old enough to understand and handle your own finances. Many children have small jobs and their own, completely independent bank accounts by 14. Kids as young as 11 are quite capable of understanding the stock market, and can even dabble a bit in trading through educational websites (using virtual money, or very very small amounts of real money). Your Nrent was just extremely immature, and did not want to take responsibility, so they personified an inanimate thing and made it the villain.

  • They will withhold vital information or documentation.** The sooner you find out what you are missing, the better - it only gets harder as you get older. College is the single best excuse to get a hold of things. There's applications, and loan applications /FAFSA, to start. Even if they don't allow you to do that stuff on your own, once you are enrolled, you can quietly deny your parents access to your billing info once you turn 18, and then make up a reason that you need to present certain documents to the bursar.

  • They hide "little" frauds and normalize them, so that you build up a tolerance for them and never develop a sense of privacy, personal ownership, or autonomy. These "frauds" may start as "small" as your piggy bank disappearing, or them borrowing "gas" money that they never pay back, or you being expected to contribute to basic expenses that they should be providing. It may also be them opening and reading your mail, and or hiding mail from you (which can actually be a serious criminal act on their part). They may know all your account numbers, even though you did not actively relay them, or else they may demand that you tell them these numbers as if this is a normal thing for parents to have a right to know (it is not). Hint - if an institution does not require a parent to be present/give consent, then your parent does NOT need to be in control of it, nor to have access to it, nor to be privy to any details about it. They don't even need to know of its existence. It's yours and yours alone to control. Only

  • **They make it seem like

You may feel an internal resistance to keeping track of your finances, or even looking at your credit score. I know that this was the case for my exhusband with an NMom. FIGHT that resistance, fear, and shame. Money is not the enemy. Neither is debt. Your Nrent lied to you. People were not out to get you, and poverty and debt are not your fault, nor are they inevitable. Your Nrent just didn't want to take accountability. But you owe it to yourself to be what your Nrent couldn't - accountable to yourself. You can get control of your finances at any time in your life, no matter how bad, and there is no shame in it. Your Nrent was just a coward. Be brave. Take baby steps as you need to, but make it a habit and priority to at least look at it regularly. No one you deal with in the process will ever be as mean or shaming or hurtful as your Nrent was, I promise.

Here's a tip for a free credit site that I've used for years when dealing with an fraudster Nrent:

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread