UPDATE: My [26M] wife [26F] wants to spend holidays separately

And here we see the effects of internalized racism. Your wife's view of herself and her own culture are being hidden ON PURPOSE because she views it as being non-normal for you. She's allowing you to experience your white-cultured holidays and not interacting with your family because she feels like an outsider. She told you she feels like an outsider! Those are some harsh things to think about yourself and your own heritage. I can see it because I've experienced it before being a minority and dating a white guy who hardly knew more about my culture than Taco Bell and Cinco De Mayo (which doesn't fucking matter at all historically!). So yeah, I had those thoughts in my head and it was part of the reason I just couldn't do it. I acknowledged the truth of what I wanted from any man and he and his family just didn't fit it. I love my culture and my family because that's my childhood and my life experience. I wanted someone who 1. could share those things with me 2. would learn about those things FOR me 3. That raises kids with me who still held onto at least a few of the things I grew up with 4. who's family didn't treat me as some weird oddity that visited during the holidays.

I can see the gap and the hurt she's experiencing. She saw you come home with S. Asian food and probably took it like a punch in the gut because she thinks you brought it home as a fun thing to try, when it's her culture. It's all very vague stuff, but I'd be hurt if a husband did that after 7 years of what's been going on. She says it's not an issue because it seems fucking crazy to her that little things like take home food matter to her when clearly you two love each other and the marriage is otherwise ok. But...this is something she obviously feels coming from, maybe not you, but from herself. And the things she does keeps you and her separated to an unwanted degree.

There HAS to be some real talk about this. She needs it and you need to be prepared to hear some pretty rough stuff, cause it might be there. This is a big issue for her op (clearly) and I'd definitely put off having kids until things were genuinely discussed. It's hurting you both and it needs to be addressed before this marriage continues on. Counseling is suggested and I'd encourage it. If not, some really raw discussions need to be had cause there's some racial tension that needs dispersement.

Or I don't know...maybe she was pressured to marry a white guy by her parents and family but in her heart always wanted someone from her culture. That's a totally different yet equally shitty talk. Good luck dude, I do applaud you being so sweet to her and wanting to help. She's got a good husband who's willing to be there for her and that's something that trumps everything else.

/r/relationships Thread