Hope it's not selfish of me to post here just so I can come back to it for my own use later on but it really speaks to me and I know Im going to want to come back to reflect on this. Somehow the main thing that really speaks to me is how you said you had good times with your Nmom. I had good time with my N parent too. yes they were just all in my childhood and some of them also were not very good at all but I guess I am still biologically bonded with them because of the good times. It pains me to feel them knowing how bad my N parent has made me feel though.

I lost a parent, last year, and was there when they died. they were not an N, but I did not love them... I did not hate them either, at the time, but I had for a very long time. Now that they are gone I feel love for them again and its simultaneously the worst and best thing. The dreams I have where they are alive and I can hug them are great because it give me the opportunity to re-live a life that never existed up until I wake up and remember that I watched them die and I have to mourn both the loss of their physical presence and the love that was never shared and never will be. I cannot go back, only forward, and I wish my brain would catch up.

I have yet to lose my N parent. But its going to happen in probably the next 25 years or so. I feel better prepared for it having already lost another parent but I know this time it will be different and only the sadness will be the familiar. But you've convinced me just to stay VLC with my N parent... at least until I cannot handle it any longer. Im VLC now and doing ok butk now things change. I want so back to go NC sometimes, and maybe I will for a time, but permanant NC via death is awfully painful.

I hope you are doing well and thank you again for your post.