Come and Vent

I’m finally seriously applying and interviewing for jobs in a big city I’ve been trying to get to for 2+ years. It came up when chatting with a friendly barista at a cafe I frequent, she says she’s sad I’m leaving, and being wary of customer service bullshit (aka I’m an asshole) I said I appreciated the sentiment. She looks at me like I just slapped her, I immediately get this weird sinking feeling, and by that night I can’t stop thinking about her.

Fast forward to now; I’ve started going out and trying to meet people much more, I’m expanding my hobbies, getting back in the gym, and sleeping much better. Our “relationship” is much more confusing; we started talking more, I became much more anxious but eventually asked her to hang out, she said yes and gave me her number but was busy at the moment. We texted a bit but I did all the initiating. A few days later out of the blue she takes me aside and says she cleared an afternoon during the week, but it falls through the day of (she was interviewing for a new job so she’ll be leaving soon). She doesn’t bring it up again, I back off and take the day off work because I’m really depressed. This last week she sits down with me and chats (usually I’d initiate), eventually mentions how we haven’t talked in a while (I think she meant more meaningful conversations because we already talked several times that week).

Now, I haven’t had friends for a long time. I have a big cognitive dissonance going for this woman: I don’t think a serious relationship would end well, but I really enjoy her company and what little I know about her as a friend, and also would like to see what she’s like as a partner.

In the end though, I feel like I’m only ready to have her as a friend, but I don’t even know if she wants that. I’m just trying to enjoy the little time we spend together but I’m afraid I’ll be really fucked up if I just never see her again after she leaves. Obviously this is all my fault but I still feel like this person has been a very good influence on me, and I don’t want to lose them (though that’s selfish).

Thanks for listening.

/r/socialanxiety Thread