Thank you for the advice and reminding me how 'not alone' I am in going through these issues.

Your advice is dead-on to what I've been changing and aiming at now and in the future. In fact, that was my motivation in instituting the change for the outside dog. She's fallen into line with that decision now as well and it seems the storms over it have passed so well it is regarded 'a good' thing. It didn't matter what she felt or thought about needing to end the multi-year irresponsibility to me, it was something I was decided on for myself and the dog. I finished installing the electric fence yesterday and so far he hasn't dug out again.

I really think our family will make it, there are hard lines if crossed that I will end the marriage for, but she honestly has been responding to me standing up in this house rather well. It brings challenges and tests, but it also is comforting or brings her security in a way. She dances on the line of denial into her behavior and mental health these days, she isn't completely in denial, nor completely out of it, but I am getting better and stronger myself outside of her behavior. Like today was silly stuff, it would instantly trip her into complete impatient bitch-mode. She said some nasty stuff and blamed me for something. I completely wasn't hurt, I could see what was going on and she doesn't validate me, I do. I didn't react, did tell her that I am not going to accept that tone / verbal attack, but that I wasn't hurt and just doing my best. She was silent a bit and (we were on our way to a thing with my family.. so that was part of the issue for her) she was able to soothe herself and enjoy the time out with me. Later, when I do well to 'be the man' (not dismissive or in a mean way, but rather than being her whipping boy or defensive) she seems to make up for her behavior. She won't bring it up and acknowledge it or apologize, but I don't care- those were always worthless and I don't need them, I already see the issue and in my mind don't need her validation into who I am. So instead of that it is nicer, she typically will become 'extra' caring and sweet when calm again.

I know this is rambling, I just wanted to say thank you and I agree with your advice. I feel like we are making great steps as the issues pass quicker and with less severity, while I've honestly felt much more content and balanced outside of her actions.

PS: The rash thing cracked me up- my wife was ALWAYS blaming any eczema my son had on specific things I like that she doesn't.. she was getting vicious about it back in the new year. That was around the time I woke up and stood up. It brought push-back, but I've been lucky as I really think my wife better understands who I am and now at least has a modicum of respect for me. A large part of her ability to do so or respond well to these things, I think, is her strong religious / spiritual side. It use to torment her when she was abusing me and neither of us knew how to stop her.