Life is shit today. My five year old has always been a handful, but now he’s losing it over tiny things. He discovered the joy of throwing full, closed-fist punches, pulling hair, throwing shit, etc. He has no emotional control, and he loathes his sister, so she is a constant target of his jealousy and rage. I am just tired of this kid, and don’t want to be around him for a while.

Now I’m sure I come across as an asshole parent. I’m not. I deal with his tantrums with love, staying calm, stressing that his feelings are ok but his behavior is not. We shower him with positive reinforcement over every moment he is calm and decent. We see a family therapist to help all of us cope. We love him, and want to give him all the support he needs, and we do so. I think he’s going to end up being diagnosed with ODD and ADHD (too young still), and it’s heartbreaking to see him suffer.

But shit if I don’t won’t to throw him off a bridge sometimes. My wife and I are on pins and needles. He’s traumatized us. We haven’t been able to leave him in a room alone with his sister since she was born. She’s three. We are exhausted. We can’t leave them both with the same babysitter because he is too unpredictable. We barely ever get out.

I haven’t had a drink in three weeks, and I’m glad. It has helped me manage stress in a more mindful way, and I intend to stick with it. I just could use some time away. It’s seductive to think about having a few moments of mental peace from a cocktail or two, but IWNDWYT.

I could use a good cry.