oh my fucking God where do I start? Got into a fight with my boyfriend today because I had an extreme emotional break down. Every time my son sees the after effects of it he says, "when are you going to therapy?' Do I seriously have to pay someone to care about me and my life? I feel like I'm surrounded by assholes. Valentines day and I got exactly what I got for Christmas from my boyfriend. nothing.

My daughter hates me. Which fuck if I was her. I would too. But coming to terms with that (and yes, I just need time to mourn that relationship. I am working on it.) is killing me. damn it. I really really love, admire and respect her. It totally sucks that those feelings are not reciprocated. I do get it. You cannot make anyone love you and I also understand that I fucked up hard core when she was growing up and this is simply the consequences of all the shitty choices I made, and yada, yada, yada, but there is the child in me screaming, "but I want!!"

"God grant me the serenity..." I know, I cannot change it and it's driving me friggen insane. Suddenly I know why I drank so many years. uggg, these feelings totally suck and I don't like them. I have been having crying jags for days off and on. I try to do them when I'm alone in the bathroom but I live with my boyfriend and my son and they both see it ask me about it and I say things like, "well, I haven't felt for years, it's all about feeling those feelings. nothing personal." Whatever I need to say for them to let it go. I'm pretty sure if I said it was about mourning my daughter, it'd get back to her and she'd see it as manipulation. I can't win. So. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.." Relearning to give it to my HP.

Honestly, I do need to see a therapist and start attending meetings again. What I need to do is learn how to move on. Let go of my past, forgive myself (even if no one else does) and just focus on tomorrow. I cannot slay ghost dragons. I don't posses that kind of magic.