I'm a sophomore, and moved for high school. It's been a year and a half since the move and I deeply miss my old friends from middle school. I feel like I won't be that close to anyone ever again - especially since I have an very removed relationship with my parents and sisters. I feel like I can't really trust anyone because I don't know them well enough. I've even begun obsessively listening to a band that reminds me of my old friends (while wiping tears when "Funny Bunny" comes on - that was our favorite).  I may have only been with them for 3 years, but we had every class together for 3 years, so 8 hrs a school day for three years is so much more time than I will get to spend with anyone at my new school where I have maybe 1.5 hrs a school day (in a much more academically focused environment) with someone max. That makes me feel like getting attached to anybody is futile, and while I do have new "friends," they won't ever be or feel as attached as I was and still long to be as with my old friends. I just wish I could have someone (or multiple someones) to genuinely share feelings and experiences with, but the problem is that I feel that I don't trust anyone enough to do that. Idk why exactly I don't feel like I can trust them, but it is probably because I haven't known them for enough time yet, because I still feel like I can trust my old friends with that.

This throws the idea of dating out of the window for now, and into the unforeseeable future, because it makes feelings for and with people seem so temporary and futile. The dating thing is a big pressure too, since, as the oldest male of my family in the west, I'm supposed to date since I'm setting the model for the rest of my male family in the western world, as we come from India, and we leave the tradition of arranged marriages behind. If I don't date in high school, then for generations to come, I'll always be the one that didn't date in high school, so my other family members won't get to either. I don't want to screw it up for so much of my family, of which I would be effecting dozens of guys who I want to have a good report with. This puts a lot of pressure on me with my entire family bearing on me to date, while I don't think I will ever develop feelings like that for someone - at least in high school, and I have to face the stereotype of creepy Indian guy.

I hope I get over it eventually, because when I do hang out with my new "friends," it can be fun, but there is always an underlying feeling of hollowness to it, so I can never fully enjoy it. I never get to tell anyone how I genuinely feel about anything too because of this, and so I keep emotions bottled up, and write them in a notebook, but this doesn't help. All I want is someone(s) who I can feel that comfortable with again, but I don't see any way that will happen. I don't feel lonely, I just feel hollow.