just that if i had the advantage of not having the lifelong atypical dysthymia / borderline tendencies, I'd have a chance to do some things in life. I am so tired. Situations will start out OK and you know how some situations go bad and some don't, and some go well...well I believe that when things go well, it's so frightening and foreign to me, that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Because of that, my game is off. The energy I spend being panicked, self-protective and hypervigilant could have been better spent on learning or being open to the finer nuances of other more productive things. When I do fall from grace from a good situation, the recovery is impossibly long and gradual, that whole life-eras pass, it seems...promoting more frustration and then more exhaustion...and on and on and on. The trigger factor today is of course, my monthly cycle, which is basically sedating me into a stupor right now, physically. The suicidal ideation is of course there, while also present is the awareness that duh, self-harm is a no-no in the sense that, you know, that's not what we should be doing, pushing ourselves towards destruction. It's almost as if the suicidal ideation is just like that sleazy shitbag who lives down the street and gloms-on to you, usually when you are trying to get something done or otherwise occupied, and it steals my attention. So basically I just am, in the middle of, suffering the depression symptoms. I'm having an acute attack of depression. Thank you by the way for relating to it. . . and being willing to talk. That actually helps a lot, to know that I'm not totally unreachable. Thank you.