Thank you for your criticism and thank you for your advice/help. I admit that not editing before posting isn't the best idea but I really wanted views on what it was before I edited it.

Yes it is old work and it was actually designed to be a script. I actually transcribed my script into prose. I too think its blocky. I don't much like it and that's exactly why I scrapped it.

As for your advice on scenes, I actually spent so much time screenwriting I didn't quite remember how to describe or transition scenes that well. But I remedied that.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your appreciation of the dialogue. As I said it will only get better.