104

Still floundering a bit. Nothing is really falling into place the way I hoped it would, still no word from any jobs, still no real progress in my recovery. I don't know why things seemed to get so much harder all of a sudden, but here we are.

I had my little experiment, and I do realize that right now, drinking is doing nothing beneficial at all for my recovery and it's got to go. It was just too much stress/paranoia because I had to hide it from my sober house and program, so it invoked a lot of addict behaviors. While I didn't relapse and I didn't even drink that much, after a week of trying to just be a "normal" person, I started thinking about heroin again. Not obsessively, but enough to make me nervous. I still don't think I'll be 100% sober forever, but there's always been a time and a place for things like that in my life, and there's no place for them on my path right now.

I'm getting more and more frustrated by my living situation. And the worst part is, I think I'm the asshole here. I'm constantly getting reprimanded for being a little late for my 930 curfew, for skipping morning meetings (we're supposed to go everyday at 7am), not making my bed perfectly every morning. My manager talks to me like I'm a misbehaving child whenever the littlest thing comes up. I know the rules are there for a reason, but I feel so infantilized. I'm a fucking 26 year old woman, I've been living on my own since I was 16, I've never has restrictions like this ever. I hate following arbitrary rules for the sake of following rules. I'm afraid I'm going to get kicked out of here, just for missing another morning meeting... even though I go to 2-3 other meetings every single day. I feel like I'm about to break, but if I do I end up back at my parents.

Sorry, that was whiny. I'm trying so hard to stay positive in the day to day, so this is the only place I can let it all out.