Weekend Edition September 24-25, 2022

I could have just as easily written 2016, as that date has significance to me... that was the day my one female cousin on my mom's side, the only bio first cousin that my sisters and the four boys shared, was found dead. Just like her mom in 1991. That's when we reconnected with Fisherman Cousin... my mom finally got all the answers from him with just a few months left of her life, and he finally got a mom... for a few months. When she died, no one found out the answers. There was no one left who cared enough.

I really did wonder if anyone posted seeing I didn't go on Reddit at all yesterday. I've just been spending the weekend thinking about all that's going on and I've had some... major realizations.

First: I came to a realization a couple nights ago what my issue with C ultimately was: she didn't see me the way I wanted to be seen. Now, obviously I've been sick of C and her whole "women do X, men do Y" routine for quite a while now. What I didn't realize was that her relating to me was entirely as a victim of abuse, from a male, and thus was exempt from the "men do Y" category, in her mind?

She doesn't understand anything about me or my family. The whole thing about my dad being the "bad guy" bothers me a lot. But what annoys me even more was that she couldn't accept that my parents were the "opposite" of typical gender roles, and that's why I have the views I do? But she didn't understand my views either. She didn't think there was anything cute about my occasional social gaffes, while at the same time saw my being educated/cultured as douchiness. She just didn't make me feel good about myself.

So earlier I was just looking in the mirror and realizing... why the hell do I have to keep working at being these things if it's not getting me anywhere? People just think I'm weak. I wasn't good at sports, but I believed that must have meant there was something wrong with my muscles that I could never lift weights? (My mom once said something about me having a "low muscle tone", and would even say I was "also physically disabled" due to my not having the greatest eye hand coordination?) If I couldn't play sports, I couldn't have an "athletic" body... could I? Cause that's ALL I need right now.

Oh I have so much more I wanna say about this but I just need to get this up right now. The goal for tomorrow is to get to the gym, so let's see how that goes.

/r/TheMixedNuts Thread