Recently due to the Corona pandemic I lost my employment and thus had to leave school and return to live with my family.

Before I lived in San Francisco in an apartment with 2 others with a month to month lease, I was able to pay the rent and everything was good, but when Corona hit I lost my ability to pay.

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However since the lease is month to month, unless I found someone else to take my spot all of us would have to leave or I would have to keep paying rent.

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I've always been a pathetic loser and a coward so after my roommates saw this fearing that they would get angry I panicked and told them that I would pay the rent until I found another roommate (at the time I still had employment), however after I lost employment a few short days later I no longer could pay but was too afraid to tell them that I could not keep my promise.

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So I tried searching harder without telling them that I could no longer pay after this month and was even able to find someone. However they rejected that person as he could only stay for a couple months and they wanted someone more long term. This is also my fault since if I had told them the truth maybe they would have taken him.

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Seeing that I had been dug into a hole due to my own pathetic lies, I tried getting a bank loan but was unable due to prior debt. I then tried to beg my parents to pay for a bit until I could find someone, but of course they refused, not that I blame them as who would want to pay for a place they don't live in?

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So what did my idiotic self do? At the end of the month I told them they could keep my security deposit and said I wouldn't be paying.

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I was a liar and a snake and in the words of my roommate I "reneged" on my promise which is completely accurate. I am no better than a two faced politician who lies to get ahead and makes promises he can't keep. No I am even worse in that I am also a pathetic coward.

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My landlord said he would kick them out if I could not find someone, and I hope to god that nothing bad happens to them as they are far better people than I and do not deserve anything bad to happen to them, especially not this.

Based on what I've seen my landlord seems to have relaxed and struck some deal and hopefully they are not kicked out, but its not certain as my landlord doesn't really care what happens to us, he only cares if we can pay the rent or not, which makes sense.

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I've always known that I am a pathetic, evil person, and was planning to end myself if I ever got solid proof. Here is that proof, I know I am a bad person, I must rid the earth of myself so that I can never cause this suffering to others again. Two good people were hurt because of my lies and cowardice who did nothing wrong, when I am the terrible person who causes misery and suffering.

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I should have just told them when I couldn't pay as soon as possible, that is the logical action, why I am I such a coward? It was all for naught, I ended up hurting them worse than if I just told the truth, a sane/normal person would have just told the truth!

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I couldn't keep my promise and made things much harder for them then if I had just told them as soon as possible.

I hate myself, I always have and now I have concrete proof.

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This is my first time posting on this sub, and I am not sure what to put but thank you for reading this and if possible could you please leave some things telling me how bad of a person I am and that I should end myself.

Anything negative would be good as trash like me deserves to be insulted and spit at.

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Thank you for your time.