So I've got something weighing on me for a while now that I think can probably be chalked up to some gender-role bullshit.

I'm an immigrant. I'm a native English speaker. I live in a country where I can get by with English, but in order to really integrate, I need to learn the second language. I've been working on that for a while and making some progress, but it's painfully slow, and I still often get crippling nervousness that pops up when having to speak the second language with family members, or pretty much anyone who isn't a child. This has colored my interactions with people. A group might function fine in the second language but switches, either unconsciously or consciously, when I'm around. I don't have the backbone nor the linguistic ability to just tell them to speak the second language. After a while of trying to keep up, I just get a headache. Keeping up with another language is tough and becomes physically draining after a while. So while I generally get along with everyone, there are maybe a handful of people I truly feel comfortable with, and I still don't feel entirely free to be myself with all of them, except my closest female friend, for various reasons.

An age gap is one of those reasons. I have one particular friend with whom I and my husband have a lot in common, but he's a bit older than us- as in like a decade. He's also a native English speaker but from a different part of the world. We all play video games and MTG together, and the guy's kind of a big brother figure to me, since I live on another continent from my own brother. I stress that this is an entirely platonic friendship that has been developing over the past two years or so, and pretty slowly. There has never been a single inkling on either side that it's anything but a platonic friendship. I also have a female friend who's a few years younger than him, and I have never had to think that our friendship would be socially unacceptable on any level.

Since I'm a younger woman, though, I feel like there are certain 'rules' to the other friendship that aren't an issue with people my own age, even male friends my own age. Like I can't seem too eager to talk or spend time with him, especially unless his partner is also there, lest I seem like I'm trying to compete for his time or attention (which is never my intention). Unlike some of my friends my own age, I feel like I couldn't just call him and see if he wanted to meet up. I'm very aware of appearances in the case of this friendship. His partner's cool, and we've got a couple hobbies in common ourselves, but whenever they come over she mostly sits and knits and doesn't take much part in the conversation unless she's directly addressed. She's not at all rude- she's quite nice, in fact, but pretty quiet even by the standards of in this country, which are naturally quieter than the countries my friend and I come from. And she doesn't really play games, whether board or video, which is about 99% of what happens when they come over.

He's a good guy to have on your team no matter what game we're playing, so we always have fun. He's good at games, especially MTG, but very chill about it and a low-stress opponent who doesn't gloat. He's usually brought something for at least the three of us to play, and she is always invited to, but she doesn't really have an interest in taking part. That's cool, and it's her choice, but I feel like a bad hostess. She never seems annoyed and seems quite content to watch but it goes against my own comfort to just let someone sit in the corner by themselves. Making conversation is awkward because she doesn't volunteer a lot of information beyond the two major hobbies/interests I know she has, so trying to keep up a conversation can very quickly turn into what feels to me like I'm being an intrusive interviewer. Last spring, they invited me (and my husband, but he decided to sleep in that day before our own picnic in the afternoon) to their picnic. This was on a national holiday when people go out and have picnic lunches with friends. I went, spent a few hours with them and their group (who were all very nice and friendly), and had a very pleasant time even though it was really cold. I also got to know her a bit better, and found out we both like baking.

But back to the social restriction: One way this manifests is when we're planning some group get-together, I'd like to invite them, but have kept from doing so on several occasions before because I've felt weird about it- like I've looked at the calendar and realized that we played such and such a game online x times this week, so asking anything else would seem too much. They get along well with my husband's friends, too, so there's absolutely no reason for it besides my being aware that other people might think something weird is going on because they assume that men don't have platonic friendships with younger women or the other way around. Does that make sense? I also feel like I could give a side-hug to my guy friends who are my age, but that it would be very strange to give a side-hug to my older friend. Maybe that goes back to his 'brotherly' status in my mind, because I have never been super huggy with my own brother.

I think it is entirely because my friend is male and older that I feel so socially restricted, and it sucks. Both my husband and I like him and enjoy having him as a teammate on games, so it feels like there is no reason to ever hesitate spending time together, whether in person or online on Steam or PSN. My husband doesn't ever seem to have an issue with this, and I think it's entirely societal expectations that are getting to me.