Another really rough night with nightmares. My biggest fear is ending up homeless. That was my nightmare. I had extremely abusive parents who have been out of my life a while. No other family.
Not in good health. I know I probably won't live to 65 but what if I do. I saved and got a 401 and did all I was supposed to and still the dominoes toppled and I had a heart attack. Have had health issues all my life.
I kick myself for not buying a place in 2012, it's impossible to afford now. And rents have almost doubled here. I'm worried about this country, that what few safety nets we have will be eaten up by locusts, that my country might not even be here. I read about Venezuela and how it is descending into tyranny so quickly and don't want to end up like that.
So I guess my prayers are for peace and for the Lord to take me in my sleep before I end up homeless. Andfor my faith to sustain me, and freedom from this fear I have had all my life. Some of my earliest memories are of my father storming into the room in the middle of the night and pulling me out of bed and beating me and I don't know why he never liked me or trusted me or forced me to do things. I am exhausted, I have been up all night. I need rest and freedom from these fears. My rational side says God has never abandoned me, he has always been here with me. But that's what is scary, that I won't be taken out of here to be with the lord, that I will linger.
Prayers do not make the nightmares go away but I still pray. God has always been here even if I don't understand. Church knows but I can't be too open because it always runs people off. I have a good therapist but I won't be able to afford that forever.
I need to get some rest. And for the Lord to take me before my health gets unbearable, not after. I don't know his will for my end of life. I don't want to die on the street. That is what happens to people like me, who get sick and don't have a family.