Weekly Vents & Victories - Newcomers start here! - 7/9-7/16

Haven't checked here in about three years. I'm mostly over what I was struggling with then. I'll share what helped me out on the off-chance that it helps someone out here. If it ends up not applying on a personal level to anyone who reads it, oh well.

*suicide sw, miscellaneous graphic content*

I'd been trying to recover for years. Eventually I became angry at my tendency to fantasize committing suicide while also being too cowardly to overcome my survival instinct and just get it over with. Time was running out. If I spent any longer in this pathetic state, my life would be irreparable if I decided to live, and I would only be suffering needlessly if I decided to die. So, I gave myself an ultimatum: I was either going to live honorably, accepting what happened and move on, or kill myself honorably. After some experimenting and finding some peace knowing that I could end it all at any time, I decided to give living a try, no holds-barred. I adopted a mindset of almost pure apathy, which allowed me to pursue whatever I wanted minimizing shame and guilt, founded on the following assumptions:
1) You can't escape your past, and you can't escape death. Like it or not, your life experiences have shaped you into whatever it is you are. If you spend all your time trying to avoid the products of your past, you haven't solved the problem of death. Death always comes one step closer no matter what you do. Accept your past, accept death, and find peace.
2) Practice self-acceptance. I have an unpopular definition of self-acceptance: self-acceptance is not unconditional self-love, unwarranted confidence, love for one's uniqueness, or anything childish like that. It has nothing to do with one's assessment of oneself at all. Self-acceptance is an intellectual acceptance that the faulty wiring in your brain defines you, and will always be part of you. You can minimize it, but it will always be there, and that's fine.

/r/CPTSD Thread